Selective Listening...

Pfft maybe I was listening to what I wanted to hear. Fool’d again. Naaaw seriously stranger. I wish your sleeezy ass never came by this summer. Thanks for fucking up everything. Dishonest vixen. Conniving ass bitch. Damn I’m such a nice person. BUT real talk TRUE STORY. You are a fucking hurricane that came over and shook the foundation of everything. I’m the TYPE OF GIRL that loathes people like you. You hurt so much fucking people and you just bash your lashes and play innocent. Fuck this. Fuck you.

Funny story.

My mom instructed me to sell my Canon xTi. I don't know if she requested it to be sold out of anger or not but I obliged. I put up an ad on craigslist for $350. Sure enough I got a call from an enthusiastic Filipino lady. She had emailed and texted me for days for the camera. Even explained that she was going to the Philippines real soon and wanted a nice camera. I told my mom and I was so reluctant. I begged my mom to make up excuses not to sell it. "Talk to the woman." My mom talked to her and tried real hard. BUT NO LUCK. The woman was coming to our house to see the camera. I stared at my camera with a huge frown. It wasn't the fact it was a beautiful camera. It was the sentimental value. How much random adventures I had with it. How giddy I got when I first saw it. I wanted to cry as I packed up the box, putting away the charger and manual. The lady came to our house. Classy woman with pearls accessorizing her ears. Her two children identical to her stature short and chubby accompanied her. Her boys eyes lit up when he saw the camera. She took the camera and inspected it and handed it to him. The boy had the look that I had. The boy wanted to make magic. So we sold it and my camera and I parted ways. Honestly it felt like I gave up my baby. I was sad and my mom waved the 350 in my face. Claiming it as hers.

She saw how sad I was to part with it. She knew how much I love photography.
"It's ok mom now we got some cash, maybe can save it and buy another one."
"Why don't you look at Craigslist, maybe get one cheap one. The video one."
In my head I was like she got to be kidding it's like 700 - 800 on the market right now
"Whatever."
"You never know bogo, fine up to you I got my money."
I searched on craigslist, the emptiness crept up on me.
canon t1i
I got a hit. CANON t1i $595 EWA BEACH
PERFECT!
"Mom there's one Ewa Beach $595"
"Call em ask em for $500"
"You got to be kidding me $500? Forget it."
"Then forget it then."
"Ugh! fine."
I dialed the number and a lady answered the phone. She had a strong asian accent. My mom asked her for $500 on the camera. Started explaining that I was a design student. Asking her for just the body. My mom then handed the phone to me. I explained how I was a design student and she explained the features of the camera.
"How much for just the body, I don't need the lens."
"Oh I don't know. Let me see well I think. Ok $480"
MY EYES LIT UP! HELL YEAH!
"Really? I'd buy it cash! I've been saving for it this whole summer"
Sold. I had to meet her at Blockbuster with my ID and the cash. Just in case it was counterfeit money. She asked me what school I attend I told her. She explained how she majored in fashion at AAU.

The first of my friends left me yesterday. *Sigh soon we'll all be heading off to reality. I'm excited yet sad. Hot and cold. In and out. Up and down. Wrong and right. It's black and it's white. LOL. I'm excited for the new school year to start over. It's the emotional baggage I'm afraid of. I'm never great with goodbyes. I've been hugging my sister everyday of this month. I'm going to miss her so much. I've been taking photographic memories of everywhere. Try to catch a scent of streets and people just so I can remember them. It won't be till next summer till I can see everything again. It'll be a year since I've seen my cousin. I wish she came home this summer I miss her so much too. It's silly but Febreeze has a scent it's supposedly Hawaiian that smells just like her. Haha. I got a couple days left just got to live it up. As soon as I can ditch this office. My only regret this summer is not taking enough pictures! ;(

This summer.

This summer has tested me emotionally and mentally. There's so many things went wrong now I'm just trying to get it right again. He hurt me real bad real real real bad. How do you fix damage. Fuck I wish all of this never ever happened. But I have to have faith and believe that it was for the better. A LEAP INTO THE UNKNOWN. I'm praying for strength and acceptance. ALL I WANT RIGHT NOW, IS TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN. I miss the old you. But life happened.

Here's the key, you're finally free.

"You believed that this was so long
You don't know the difference, and it's killing me
Cause you can have so much more
I am what your looking for
But you close your eyes on me
So you still can't see"

"/
I've had enough. It hurts me to see you hurt.

Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down
Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways

It just don't feel the same. You know "/? It's kind of upsetting. For days we were arguing like crazy. Been crying. Fists flying. & I call yesterday and I get wth you talkin' about? As if nothing ever happend.

Once again things got swept under the rug. It's not right. It just doesn't feel right to do this anymore. It's sick.

-___- I seriously can't do this and it's scaring me how it's getting easier and easier everytime!

Bored to tears at work I googled my sort of alias "ahndiwear" and stumbled on my old blog. I started reading it. More REAL thoughts was spilled on this blogs than Tumblr. Tumblr to me feels like a magazine. A catalog of images and stories that brings you to happy and sad tears. Oh well I think I'll come back to this once again. I stopped in mid January.