waiting. waiting. waiting. for jeff to get home so we can go out with the other two dancing queens. i got mail from CCA and OTIS, i still don't know which college to choose (if i get accepted). i got three schools on my mind: columbia college chicago, california college of art, and otis. i was looking at ccc as a different enviroment, so i can grow right get out of that comfort zone. cali college of art is in san fran, where jeff and esther is and otis same thing but in LA. so what do i choose comfort or not.

immoral,

I have a long weekend ahead of me, I have a lot on my plate, I just hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and a can of monster at the end. I haven't blogged much I've been too tired. School is ok, something about this term feels good, it's not because high school is going to be over. No things are starting to feel like how it should have been in the beginning, it feels like the summer. We all got along. My confidence is not all up, but hell I'm getting there, slowly getting there. If it wasn't for all those tears idk... but I will admit this year I learned more about myself then I ever thought possible.

Anyways looking at the weekend...
I've got a videos, portfolios, essays, and chores on my plate. Note everything ends with an "s" oh well another challenge I got to face. Insonmia I tell you, but the ol' man been supportive and everyone else. I love them. Man, they all saved me from myself bigtime, thank you.

So this weekend:
SATURDAY
•Vaccum, Laundry, Yard work, Cleaning the bathroom
• Work on IB part of video
• Tanaka's Essay
• Study
• One portfolio done? maybe

SUNDAY
• Work on Alma Mater
• Cheng's Essays
• Study
• Portfolio number 2 (different requirements)
• Film earth month :)

how immoral, unethical of me but oh well ;D LOL

it's been a while

i feel like a monster. i've said so much that i'm surprised i ain't struck by lighting yet.
i need a bar of soap in my mouth now. but then again it was the only way or relieving stress.
lord forgive me.

I've loved you so long

I've loved you so long is a french movie that is absolutely amazing. Kristin Scott Thomas performance, like you really felt the character's pain. This movie is about a lady who has been released from prison after 15 years and is taken in under the care of her younger sister whom she has not spoken to for 15 years. The movie reveals early on what crime she had committed. She had killed her 6 year old son, relieving the audience. The question still remains why? why? Then slowly but not as obvious like American movies. You think they would have thrown flashbacks to see the character so disturbed give us a clue. No instead they stay true and show emotion rather than exploit her.

I don't know not a movie critic but watch it amazing.

Obama?

Today he became the 44th president. I'm scared. Times are tough and I don't know it's just scary. It's gonna get tough, and that's what scares. Every decision is important. I seriously, I don't know if I even made the right decision, ugh. Takin' my mind off it. DVD night.

My sister.

So on average I blog every 3 days? Anyways.

My sister came home from my dad's place and I don't know why, I just hug her. I love my little sister. As annoying as she can be. I love her. Earlier this evening we started talking about our parents. She's a good girl. I feel bad cause she's always had been stuck in the middle. She takes care of my mom and I. I don't take notice at first. She wants to live with my dad, she figures if I'm leaving or go off to college might as well. We started talking about it. Then she tells me, about a current problem i'm having with my dad and stepmom "no matter what Ahndi I'll make sure aunty sally knows the truth (btw that's my stepmom) that you don't care about not getting anything from her for christmas, i'll tell her your not materilistic and your happy with what you got, cause that's how you are, sometimes i feel dumb i ask for a lot and you don't" i started to cry. even though she annoys me, i would knock the shit out of you, if you mess with her.

i think i handle myself pretty well today. today was a good day :)

•finished w/e i can do with winterball layout. got all the candid photos laid out. fixed the pica spacing. just need the court picture :) and then went to film with jeff esther and gemel was pretty fun :D in the libary i swear don't let esther do serious acting ;) she'll crack up and you will too
•third period oh my gosh i was saved. daniel and ivy never showed up. chee wasn't forced into sharing my homework, which one of my group members are printing ;D mhmmm hahahaha
•finish taking the roster photos, and vectored :D something i never did in a long time

afterschool, i was almost killed. by antonio and jon :) hahaha funny video. and erin was there in rams class, i'm a fat ass i ate some of her food, she offered. did little things here and there. then called gemel and all i heard was council cheering. like wth? they said there was no school. so hung up and checked the BOE website, chee no school. then phyll and rams was checking up on it while praising halleluia. chee no school. theres a god and bad side oh well nai nai time

The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, SOMETIMES POKING YOU WITH A SHARP STICK CALLED "TRUTH" --Dan Rather

it hurts damn it really does, but it's all good though. i was advised again, and truth hurts but i just really want to move on grow from everything in the past. get over with damn cry baby thing. been through a lot more in my life, i can get over it. well i needed this off my chest. peace. i think i'll go back to xanga till this trend dies. idk.

first day back.

i already hate it. first days well so called first day, i only had one true first day... with the get to know you here's my syllabus crap. cause all my classes are cont. from last term. already things are popping up, i don't want to deal with sick and tired, i had my fill. my weakness is caring too much. i went and watched slumdog millionaire and i loved the movie it was good, fricken all the way in kahala no matter. well i'm tired. peace.

first day of school. i'm still sore. oh well bring it on.

haven't blogged in while. hmm... let's keep this short. got school tomorrow.
let's see sat i did my essays and watched a movie. gran torino, go watch it it's good. a lot of old fans of clint eastwood. the man had always been badass. i was surprised to hear him sing during th credits. i couldn't stand sleeping in a empty house so i went over to my cousins house, she's a 5 min. walk away. stayed up all night, she helped me with my essays as well as writing stupid poems. went to bed at like 4 in the morning woke up at 6 a.m. had a diet coke and been going through the day with it. i had to finish my essays. ms. fia called and saved me. i finally got over my fear and opened those pdf files. monday which is today i hmm...
oh yeah went into school today. did slave work ;D. delivered desks and what not to teachers, chit chatted with former teachers. stuck decals on shizz and sweeped the floor. rams jeff and i went to the hoakalei golf course ceremony, filmed, i shot like 5 pics and let rams take over cause i ain't got no confidence. ate at ninja sushi shrimp udon. got back cleaned cleaned, actually was sweating. ew. and been catching up on hw. advance procrastinator ;)

i can't stand it anymore! my dad is giving me hell! I HATE HIM, i don't know why i choose to come here. one big mistake. scolding me telling me i going no where, looking at me no one would like me no one would be my friend. WELL YOU DON'T know me. You don't even bother asking what goes on in my fucking life. you don't even know what i've been through these couple months. these couple of fucking years. because "i don't have custody of you, why should i care" same ol' fucking answer everytime. i hate the life i live now and it's all thanks to you and your wife. and you scold me about kissing other peoples ass (WHICH I DON'T) and you want me to kiss hers. thank her for what? for splitting my family. and you choose her over us all the fricken time, and you tell me i do things for my friends and not you. how many times i get calls from kelly saying she's all alone at the park at night because you went to pick up your wife. how many times kelly had to beg you to come to her school to show you what shes done, oh it's your moms custody. man how i want to tell you off everytime i see kelly's face after you tell her that. kiss your wifes ass, fuck no. you make her hate me too so i can appreciate her wtf? low man low. tell her that i hate her cause she got me nothing for christmas. wtf?! wtf?! i don't give a damn how much presents i got under the tree. ignorant old man! shit dogging on the people i hang out with, oh come on it's a new century get over it! it's all about love in the bible, so why hate?! huh! all your friends are f.o.b.'s and they just as ignorant as you. all they care about is materlistic things and fucking how they appear to people, they discriminate. low lifes. when i need something for school you can't even pay half of it, even though it's all in the court documents. complain you got no money. yeah got no money so i can go to the philippines in the summer and then go to new york in the fall. get people renting out the rooms, oh by the way you and your sister sleep on the couch, and fucking extend your house. what the hell. my uncle had 3 kids and he loves them to death, he loves all of them anytime they needed them he was there. and you know what he's there for me too, all my aunties and uncles are. so go ahead and talk shit about my mom's side. you and your so called distant cousins. if wasn't for my fucking good hearted grandmother you'll still be in PI. yeah and speaking of grandmothers, i really wonder what grandma would say, the way you treat us. at least grandma can remember me! i went there. and you know what? go around and tell people i'm a disappointment, mock me in front of your friends. yep go around and tell them the story of how your son ran away from you too. show what kind of dad you've been. if you drove your only son away. ralph was smart fucking leaving you, so he would have to stop kissing ass to you and your wife. you fucked up on 2 out of 3 kids. you tell me what kind of father you been. and last of all you really are sick. fucking picking out your father daughter dance songs with kelly and making her call me about it. butterfly kiss my ass. you really don't know me, you walked out on me a long time ago. don't bother showing up to my graduation, you already told me all i did was disappoint you.

I'm feeling hesitant right now blogging about the situation from last night, because I've told myself I wouldn't cry anymore, but right now I hope I can forgive myself. Last night I had a breakdown once again. I cause a scene, fighting with my mother on the phone, I won't disclose the content of our argument. I started to breakdown right there in the classroom, crying on the floor. Jeffry there trying to get me to laugh, I love him for it. Then we went to film the EBNB mtg. which was canceled. So we cleaned up, loaded the car and Ramiscal took Jeff, Jon, and I to eat at Ninja Sushi. We ate talked stories. Afterward I didn't want to go home, so Rams dropped my off at my dad's house. The car ride, I spilled my guts out, I told him everything, I usually don't I don't like to talk about my life, I like keeping it in so no one would ask what's wrong. This time I spilled everything. I just went to bed that night, I didn't upload my 365 for yesterday till this morning.


My only relief.
Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one. -Stella Adler

Scars.

The feeling still lingers, an emotional scar. There are times in the day when everything comes flooding in all at once, it suffocates me. I can't breathe, I can't think, it's too much. Even during the break, I find myself confused in my own thoughts. I told myself to suck it up, not to cry anymore and I haven't so far. It's that pain, where everything in you wants to shut down, eyes begin to tear up, and in your mind your confused trying to create a list. Then your mind loses the battle to your tears and body.

I don't know what the hell I'm blogging about.

Questions.

When I was younger curious about a lot of things I asked questions, how are you suppose to know if you don't ask? and the response "stupid question every time how many times you ask these stupid fucking questions. how many times you ask that. your like that stupid kid in your class, got to be repeated to. stupid questions. why you even ask." that's why I get uncomfortable asking questions. Countless times I was shut down when I was little. I was afraid to ask the wrong one. That's why I don't like asking questions, I don't like being the representative. I need someone there as crutch.

blah >__< random.

A few years ago, there was the annual 50th state fair. There's a certain ride that spins you and keeps you up in the air and all that, the gut minor gut wrenching one. I've rode that ride before, and disliked it a lot. My cousins, two big boys were forcing me on it. Come on Ahndi ride it come on ride AHHH YOU CHICKEN WEAK SHIT yeah they kept dogging on me all night. I was fed up I had explained that I rode it before and didn't want to. So I kept on insisting they ride it, since they obviously want me to do it. My words didn't even reach there ears as they were dogging on me. I was so upset I screamed you say I can't ride it but you guys aren't even willing to go... ran away with eyes full of angry tears...

and that incident reminds me of some situations in my life right now. when people force me to go do it but they ain't doing it themselves. and all they do it cut me down. wth?

2

theme: religion
i'm bored going to take more pics. peace.

365 img

So the 365 challenge is a long story. Take a picture everyday and upload it onto flickr, facebook, and myspace with a watermark (a precaution). This challenge is for Jay. Aye. Dfizz Campable (sounds like campbell to me deary) and Awear (OH MY THAT'S ME!). 365 this is going to be interesting.

First blog of the New Year. Yes we made it my friend Happy New Year! Like a retreat I will expect a temparary change in everyone, that includes me, 2 weeks max. I Spent New Years Eve with the family well at least Half, 4/7 aunties and uncles. One had the in-laws, the other I have no idea, and the last one resides in the mainland. & I miss my bestfriend.

Random thought. GOSH IT'S SO HARD BEING ME, I hate when people say that, it so self centered.

Ok so I need to get school work done, next week already I need to go in to turn in work, and maybe some work already waiting for me? Nah probability no. BORED BORED BORED!
PEACE! THIS RANT IS OVER!