Fall

Fall semester has been intense so far. I'm glad that I survived my first year, my foundation year. This year is kicking me in the ass but I have not failed. & I won't. It's amazing so much work and it's nearly 1/3 of the semester. Over and done with. I still have this lazy habit that I have to break. I feel connected with my family more than ever. I am actually looking forward to going home and being with them. I'm praying December will come sooner. It's nearly the last week of September so it's been a month. It feels pretty good. I feel the ol' motivation coming back. FIGHTING!

VENT: Why did I stop you?
Why did I stop you from telling the truth? Why did I stop you from finally owning up to your mistakes? Why did I decide to take the blame? Fooolish. How foolish of me. Damn it. It’s true, my weakness is that I care too much. You played with fire. & instead of letting you get burned for my own sick satisfaction. I pulled you out. I cried with you. Honest. Somehow. Right now. Months later. I still suffer.

I saw the message he sent and I saw what you wrote. To him it was pinned on me. When in fact it was just a reason for your absence. You were gonna fess up finally. But when you said you simply were gonna text him. Cause you might yell at him. I figured it wasn’t worth it. I STOPPED YOU.

It was labor day weekend. & he looked fine and happy. I didn’t want anymore drama or remnant of you ruining the weekend.

I was upset. Common decency to talk to the person in a calm manner. After all the shit you put him through. You owned him an explanation. & the truth. Without any anger cause you put this on yourself. No bullshit about me. The truth about you. He shouldn’t suffer any more so I told you.

NO. I’ll take the blame.

Summer ended. We flown off. Wanted to leave you and all troubles behind. He already blames me. Why ruin any happy memories of you right. So that’s how it ended.

It’s ok. It’s fine now. BUT I know every time he talks to me. He looks at me as the bitch that ruined it all. When in fact it was the conniving girl that fool’d us all.

Memories of the summer still comes back. The night at the hotel party. The fighting. The tears. How you just laid back.

I hope you have a great life. As I deal with how he perceives me now because of you. How his friend dislikes me because to him I ruined a good thing. How now I feel so fucking insecure. All the trust is b r o k e n.

I could talk to him about this. But I have this tainted image of me because of you. I don’t think he’ll ever understand.

I still haven’t found it in my heart to forgive you. Sorry. Maybe one day. It ain’t happening any time soon. For the first time in my life I can honestly say: I H A T E you.

—-END RANT

Gaining someone's trust takes unlimited time and effort, losing it only takes a second. (After that nothing is the same)

Karen Yaron

I'm a horrible person. I think that's it. I really want to reset and restart all over again. Forget everything. But I can't. Guilt. The past. Everything keeps haunting me. Especially the summer. Things are ok right now. But it's what I did. What I unintentionally did. That bothers me. Could I be so crazy. It's a paradox and I don't know what to do :/ shit.

Trio.
Last night/this morning Daniel Winnie Ryan & I were playing a game. Where we list three people and you got to say who you would kill/marry/fuck.
Me: Miley Cyrus Demi Lovato Selena Gomez
Everyone: KILL MILEY!!!!
hahahaha

Trio.
Last night/this morning Daniel Winnie Ryan & I were playing a game. Where we list three people and you got to say who you would kill/marry/fuck.
Ryan(?): Pikachu Charmander or Baulbasaur
Me: I would keel pikkashoo becaz it's a mouse. I would marrry charmander because he's hott and eternally the flame of our lobbbe will burn. I would puck baulbasaur becozz he has many vines he can tickle me with.
Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Trio.
Last night/this morning Daniel Winnie Ryan & I were playing a game. Where we list three people and you got to say who you would kill/marry/fuck.
Me: Winnie Daniel or Ryan
Everyone: *Giggling
Me: Hmm... FUCK IT, I'M DOING ME!
Everyone: *LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF.

It bugs me that someone could know everything and that someone doesn’t even know me. It bugs me that they could have drawn up conclusion, when then got the sparknotes and not the whole 360. It bugs me when I see the person. I couldn't even get a fake hello and smile. I get the cold shoulder.

I'm pretty bugged and ticked right now!