Everything you said. Everything you feel for her. The insecurities. The what ifs. Was what I felt for you. Slowly but surely not anymore.This is will be my last act of affection for you. A sacrifice that I hope my heart will understand. Hopefully while I’m doing this. I can truly get over you. No longer will I play victim to this unrequited love. Instead I’ll muster the courage to take it and endure it. With pain as my teacher and experience as my friend I will get over this. I really did love you and care for you. Would have done anything. As a fool in love I really thought something was there. One day I hope to look back at this. I won’t laugh. But smile, a smile of satisfaction. You were the first person I unselfishly cared for. The first person I exposed a vulnerable me. The first person to break my heart. The first person I loved. Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t pity me. Don’t feel any guilt. I did all I can and tried. As long as your happy I will be too. Enough, enough now. I promise. Slowly but surely. I promise.

“It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all…”

I'm not gonna mess this up for you

I'm gonna be happy for you

I'm gonna help you

I'm gonna not gonna hurt you

Everything you said. Everything you feel for her. The insecurities. The what ifs. Was what I felt for you. Slowly but surely not anymore.This is will be my last act of affection for you. A sacrifice that I hope my heart will understand. Hopefully while I'm doing this. I can truly get over you. No longer will I play victim to this unrequited love. Instead I'll muster the courage to take it and endure it. With pain as my teacher and experience as my friend I will get over this. I really did love you and care for you. Would have done anything. As a fool in love I really thought something was there. One day I hope to look back at this. I won't laugh. But smile, a smile of satisfaction. You were the first person I unselfishly cared for. The first person I exposed a vulnerable me. The first person to break my heart. The first person I loved. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't pity me. Don't feel any guilt. I did all I can and tried. As long as your happy I will be too.

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all..."

2nd week of 2nd semester

My weekend at the mount was a roller coaster. Although I still feel like a stranger I'm starting to feel comfortable. I spent most of my weekend in Gemel's dorm watching DVD's. Taken, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Uninvited, Pineapple Express, Gran Torino. I fell asleep half way during the last two dvd's. I was surrounded by good company. With innocent fun. I enjoyed it and much like the weather I was very sad and gloomy to leave familiar faces. It's something I guess I'll never get use to.

Classes so far has been ok. My elective has been a dud. Form and space made me feel weak. Drawing and Composition surprisingly was my burst of sunshine this week. That class lifted my gloomy spirits. Went home and had a nice phone conversation with my best friend just like ol' times and again later that night on facebook. So far so good.

Only complaints is the weather. Really killing me. The weather has gotten to my exterior but I refuse to let it into my interior.

I blog to release all my anxiety. I blog because I miss home. I blog to improve writing. I blog to help me get by day by day.

my inner demons are at it again. it hurts so much right now. the weather is not helping. why didn't i seek help when i was in hawaii? why didn't i ask if i was haunted by depression... was i too ashamed to ask? people might think i'm crazy but i know i have it. the "back in my day there was no such thing as..."

it's more than just feeling sad. no this feeling is weigh you down that you don't want to pick your self up. that you rather sleep away your days because you want to escape the world. the feeling where all that you love seems too far away, that you're totally and completely alone. all your hope and dreams are fading, and all you can think about is the struggle the problems and worries. you try to be optimistic you try to think positive but you get shut down. you want the tears to come, they are so close but you're too weak and sad to do so.

I've got a world of chances...

Maybe you'll call me someday,
Hear the operator say the numbers no good
And that she had a world of chances for you...

Like a cat with nine lives I'm down to my last one. One more and I'm done, for good.