Imagine it took a whole nights rambling to finally sort things out. I had this figured from the start but I refused to accept it because that meant losing you. It seems as though you are ready to let go and willing to give up just like that. For me I hang on because I care still. You mean a lot. You're not suppose to regret something that once made you smile. It's the end of the road we both know it, but I was not ready to give in. I had already convinced myself I don't like you. But jealousy got the better of me and I started to fall for the person you use to be. The person who cared. The person who could stick it out. We've both reached our limit. It's tragic. How close we use to be and look how far we've come. Friendships are suppose to be permeant, they are suppose to be better than relationships relationships, because through thick and thin you always got your friends back. I miss the old you. The new you, where you have so much hate for me you say things to hurt me. To get me to back away. You call me a pathetic bitch. I just let it fly. You tell me I have issues and insane. Fight with me. Threaten to hurt me. As an idiot I take it and beg you to give our friendship a chance. Why am I going to stick around with someone like that. It hurts no doubt, that things end this way. But like you said it's life.

even if we called it quits. somehow. someway. faith will bring us back together. i believe that. i got to believe that. it did so many times before.

Everything you said. Everything you feel for her. The insecurities. The what ifs. Was what I felt for you. Slowly but surely not anymore.This is will be my last act of affection for you. A sacrifice that I hope my heart will understand. Hopefully while I’m doing this. I can truly get over you. No longer will I play victim to this unrequited love. Instead I’ll muster the courage to take it and endure it. With pain as my teacher and experience as my friend I will get over this. I really did love you and care for you. Would have done anything. As a fool in love I really thought something was there. One day I hope to look back at this. I won’t laugh. But smile, a smile of satisfaction. You were the first person I unselfishly cared for. The first person I exposed a vulnerable me. The first person to break my heart. The first person I loved. Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t pity me. Don’t feel any guilt. I did all I can and tried. As long as your happy I will be too. Enough, enough now. I promise. Slowly but surely. I promise.

“It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all…”

I'm not gonna mess this up for you

I'm gonna be happy for you

I'm gonna help you

I'm gonna not gonna hurt you

Everything you said. Everything you feel for her. The insecurities. The what ifs. Was what I felt for you. Slowly but surely not anymore.This is will be my last act of affection for you. A sacrifice that I hope my heart will understand. Hopefully while I'm doing this. I can truly get over you. No longer will I play victim to this unrequited love. Instead I'll muster the courage to take it and endure it. With pain as my teacher and experience as my friend I will get over this. I really did love you and care for you. Would have done anything. As a fool in love I really thought something was there. One day I hope to look back at this. I won't laugh. But smile, a smile of satisfaction. You were the first person I unselfishly cared for. The first person I exposed a vulnerable me. The first person to break my heart. The first person I loved. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't pity me. Don't feel any guilt. I did all I can and tried. As long as your happy I will be too.

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all..."

2nd week of 2nd semester

My weekend at the mount was a roller coaster. Although I still feel like a stranger I'm starting to feel comfortable. I spent most of my weekend in Gemel's dorm watching DVD's. Taken, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Uninvited, Pineapple Express, Gran Torino. I fell asleep half way during the last two dvd's. I was surrounded by good company. With innocent fun. I enjoyed it and much like the weather I was very sad and gloomy to leave familiar faces. It's something I guess I'll never get use to.

Classes so far has been ok. My elective has been a dud. Form and space made me feel weak. Drawing and Composition surprisingly was my burst of sunshine this week. That class lifted my gloomy spirits. Went home and had a nice phone conversation with my best friend just like ol' times and again later that night on facebook. So far so good.

Only complaints is the weather. Really killing me. The weather has gotten to my exterior but I refuse to let it into my interior.

I blog to release all my anxiety. I blog because I miss home. I blog to improve writing. I blog to help me get by day by day.