October 1st

It's the 1st of the month and it's time to set some goals.
FIRST kick procrastination in the ass
SECOND kickass in school
THIRD get off my ass and sweat it out
FOURTH sweat out and filter people in my life not in negative way just get the priorities straight

A lot of transformation but I need to be on it. Ciao.

DEUTSCH.

In AdIntro today we had guest speakers from Deutsch Inc.

They were fucking inspiring. I think I got more clarity and more amped from them then all the other guests/visits we had so far. Their little talk got me all amp’d again. When I got home I just jumped on it. Started fixing the portfolio. & did some research. I feel like getting homework done just so I can clear my time to focus. It’s been a while since I felt this way. It’s refreshing. FCKYEAH!

check them out btw:
http://www.deutschinc.com/

Fall

Fall semester has been intense so far. I'm glad that I survived my first year, my foundation year. This year is kicking me in the ass but I have not failed. & I won't. It's amazing so much work and it's nearly 1/3 of the semester. Over and done with. I still have this lazy habit that I have to break. I feel connected with my family more than ever. I am actually looking forward to going home and being with them. I'm praying December will come sooner. It's nearly the last week of September so it's been a month. It feels pretty good. I feel the ol' motivation coming back. FIGHTING!

VENT: Why did I stop you?
Why did I stop you from telling the truth? Why did I stop you from finally owning up to your mistakes? Why did I decide to take the blame? Fooolish. How foolish of me. Damn it. It’s true, my weakness is that I care too much. You played with fire. & instead of letting you get burned for my own sick satisfaction. I pulled you out. I cried with you. Honest. Somehow. Right now. Months later. I still suffer.

I saw the message he sent and I saw what you wrote. To him it was pinned on me. When in fact it was just a reason for your absence. You were gonna fess up finally. But when you said you simply were gonna text him. Cause you might yell at him. I figured it wasn’t worth it. I STOPPED YOU.

It was labor day weekend. & he looked fine and happy. I didn’t want anymore drama or remnant of you ruining the weekend.

I was upset. Common decency to talk to the person in a calm manner. After all the shit you put him through. You owned him an explanation. & the truth. Without any anger cause you put this on yourself. No bullshit about me. The truth about you. He shouldn’t suffer any more so I told you.

NO. I’ll take the blame.

Summer ended. We flown off. Wanted to leave you and all troubles behind. He already blames me. Why ruin any happy memories of you right. So that’s how it ended.

It’s ok. It’s fine now. BUT I know every time he talks to me. He looks at me as the bitch that ruined it all. When in fact it was the conniving girl that fool’d us all.

Memories of the summer still comes back. The night at the hotel party. The fighting. The tears. How you just laid back.

I hope you have a great life. As I deal with how he perceives me now because of you. How his friend dislikes me because to him I ruined a good thing. How now I feel so fucking insecure. All the trust is b r o k e n.

I could talk to him about this. But I have this tainted image of me because of you. I don’t think he’ll ever understand.

I still haven’t found it in my heart to forgive you. Sorry. Maybe one day. It ain’t happening any time soon. For the first time in my life I can honestly say: I H A T E you.

—-END RANT

Gaining someone's trust takes unlimited time and effort, losing it only takes a second. (After that nothing is the same)

Karen Yaron

I'm a horrible person. I think that's it. I really want to reset and restart all over again. Forget everything. But I can't. Guilt. The past. Everything keeps haunting me. Especially the summer. Things are ok right now. But it's what I did. What I unintentionally did. That bothers me. Could I be so crazy. It's a paradox and I don't know what to do :/ shit.

Trio.
Last night/this morning Daniel Winnie Ryan & I were playing a game. Where we list three people and you got to say who you would kill/marry/fuck.
Me: Miley Cyrus Demi Lovato Selena Gomez
Everyone: KILL MILEY!!!!
hahahaha

Trio.
Last night/this morning Daniel Winnie Ryan & I were playing a game. Where we list three people and you got to say who you would kill/marry/fuck.
Ryan(?): Pikachu Charmander or Baulbasaur
Me: I would keel pikkashoo becaz it's a mouse. I would marrry charmander because he's hott and eternally the flame of our lobbbe will burn. I would puck baulbasaur becozz he has many vines he can tickle me with.
Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Trio.
Last night/this morning Daniel Winnie Ryan & I were playing a game. Where we list three people and you got to say who you would kill/marry/fuck.
Me: Winnie Daniel or Ryan
Everyone: *Giggling
Me: Hmm... FUCK IT, I'M DOING ME!
Everyone: *LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF.

It bugs me that someone could know everything and that someone doesn’t even know me. It bugs me that they could have drawn up conclusion, when then got the sparknotes and not the whole 360. It bugs me when I see the person. I couldn't even get a fake hello and smile. I get the cold shoulder.

I'm pretty bugged and ticked right now!

Today was a perfect adventure ♥

Shake it OFF :/

I'm sorry. I don't think I can be friends with you. I never could. You probably think I'm playing.But thinking about it I've wanted it for quite some time. It caught me off guard. Like "How did I get to this point?" The point where NOW I'm the one that wants to call it quits. I fought with you for so long to keep it together.Now it's more and more clear it's time to call it quits.You don't need me hurting you anymore. I've tried to be patient I've tried to understand. I stuck it out when you were mad. Grabbed you when your threw your fists. I've put up with everything you called me. I tried. Looking at the past there were a lot of memories good ones funny ones perfect ones. But looking at now it's just a lot of pain hurt mistrust.I care about you. & I want to protect you again. From me this time. It's better for you.



Ugh I wish I had the courage to say this to you.

Magic 8 - Pod

I turn to my ipod like a magic eight ball. Ughh but didn't find the answer I was looking for.
Funny when you're looking real hard for the right thing you don't see what's right in front of you.

I think I finally came to a decision.
Fuck I hope I'm right.

At a young age I believed the future was going to be just like the Jetson's. Flying cars, connivence of every level, and a robot named Rosie. It was a perfect utopia. Perfect idea. The world had stop trying to conquer the world and decided to take the air. That was the image/idea back then. Unfortunately as I grew up that idea slowly got beaten down by reality.

THAT SUCKS.

Today in class my teacher was talking about post modernism. That there's an pessimistic outlook on life. That there is no future rather a lot of nostalgic thoughts. She questioned what was a causing factor to that outlook. I, quite shy whispered "Recession" it wasn't the answer that she was looking for. But she began to touch up on that subject. She started apologizing for her generation. Saying that they had it good. Now we've left you a world on fire. Then she said please change it. You make the future. Then as the history lesson went on. It started connecting art and it's role in the world. How it affects not only the cultural aspect of society but social and political. I mean what is art?! Right? Practically everything and anything. They formed life. We might not notice it but it's there just as natural air and water. Ugh it was the inspiration and reassurance I needed today. It was perfect.

Happy belated Birthday to Chad and Dennis :)

Curiosity killed the cat.

I'm done. Seriously. It's done.

First Grade

People have said that your first year of college is like Kindergarten. If that is the case then first grade isn't that bad. First grade have a couple friends familiar faces. You know where everything is. Your not so lost and helpless like kindergarten. You don't wet your pants cause your a big kid now. First day set of new rules. Much more stricter than last year but it's good in a way. Then new faces. Some gooood looking ones too ;)! Haha. It was a nice first day back. Saw all my friends and got big bear hugs. <3 My second class was really confusing but I really liked it :)! We learned about Sister Corita her work was amazing and inspiring. The colors the quotes she picked. The message she stressed it was wonderful. Just don't like the assignment x) haha but I'll get through it. I survived last year. When the nine hours were done I had food waiting on the stove for me and my mommy did my laundry. We ran some errands. Pinkie's dad finally got the internet working. I love him! Haha. Then had some mellow downtime talking to Gemel Mark. I love my best friend. I want him to get in the nursing program and I have so much faith in him. I know he will. Then Winnie came back she's apparently our 4th room mate for the month-ish. Then some more downtime watching TV. GOT THAT RUNNING TOO! :) Yay! I'm excited.

"Because sometimes there is no easy way out. You just have to grin and bear it. Sometimes the only escape route is to go straight through the flames. Just brace yourself and bite your lip. Sometimes you have to sever the ties clean off. Because in every relationship, there comes a point when the damage is too much and no matter how good it once was, the memories can’t sustain you. You have to save yourself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell. Because you can’t keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return."

Some part of me wants to cry. Wants to scream and curse. Some part of me just want an hour or two of nostalgic thoughts. But I can't. Not anymore. I'm going to miss you. A lot. I wish I could have hugged you. Ended it on a better note. BUT I gave you an ultimatum and this is what you wanted. No going back. I made that promise to myself.

"Haven't been living right"

I got myself in a terrible mess this summer. Yesterday I just broke down and cried. Asking for a little more time to just be angry. A little more time to let it out. But I'm done now. Enough. I'm a hypocrite and I can't believe some of things that came out of my mouth. I got nothing to blame but life. I mean shit happens but I wasn't prepared to deal with it. Never knew how to. I'm terrible with change. Horrible with goodbyes. That's me. I like order in my life. "You haven't been living right" Mounger's voice just echoes through my head. The ol' man's lectures are like podcasts on repeat.

The biggest emotional spurt I've ever had. I was all good. I was fine. & it took one phone call to get me snapping like a maniac again. I was wrong to react and respond that way. I was wrong to call you names. I was wrong to act childish and immature. I was wrong to have let vulgarity slip my lips every time I heard your name. It goes against all my own principles and morals. I apologize for that. For now I still haven't forgiven you. I will one day. & I hope you'll forgive me too.

As for the friendship. You. Yes I miss the company terribly. But after so much drama and arguing I've finally reached the point where I want to give up. "One last chance. You really want to call it quits?" that's all I can ask and offer right now. It's a take it or leave it. If it's a yes, then I learn to adapt. If it's a no then just got to try.

Another friendship. Maybe I'm just, scratch that. I'm just jealous. Not angry. Just jealous. Wasn't going to admit it and tell you because it's so stupid. I lost another friend. It started to feel like high school again. That period where you hated my guts and you turned to them. When I called it felt like you didn't want to hear my voice. When I saw you felt like you didn't want to see me. I felt so distant anytime I was with you. I felt so out of the loop and out of place. Like the only time I got a call was to help you out. No problem fine with that. It just... I don't know. Don't feel right.

This too shall pass --- so it has passed
My life is a mess. I've became a monster I loath. I've gotten angry at the world. I've gotten angry at people. I carry so much hate. It's just horrible. I just want to get my life back in order now.

You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came...

It's official. I lost him. I've decided. I gave in. Threw in the towel.
I feel kind of empty. But it's for the better, I hope.
It's kind of a relief. Like a weight lifted.
Slowly but surely memories of you will fade.
Everything will fade.
Just another chapter in my life.