"Because sometimes there is no easy way out. You just have to grin and bear it. Sometimes the only escape route is to go straight through the flames. Just brace yourself and bite your lip. Sometimes you have to sever the ties clean off. Because in every relationship, there comes a point when the damage is too much and no matter how good it once was, the memories can’t sustain you. You have to save yourself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell. Because you can’t keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return."

Some part of me wants to cry. Wants to scream and curse. Some part of me just want an hour or two of nostalgic thoughts. But I can't. Not anymore. I'm going to miss you. A lot. I wish I could have hugged you. Ended it on a better note. BUT I gave you an ultimatum and this is what you wanted. No going back. I made that promise to myself.

"Haven't been living right"

I got myself in a terrible mess this summer. Yesterday I just broke down and cried. Asking for a little more time to just be angry. A little more time to let it out. But I'm done now. Enough. I'm a hypocrite and I can't believe some of things that came out of my mouth. I got nothing to blame but life. I mean shit happens but I wasn't prepared to deal with it. Never knew how to. I'm terrible with change. Horrible with goodbyes. That's me. I like order in my life. "You haven't been living right" Mounger's voice just echoes through my head. The ol' man's lectures are like podcasts on repeat.

The biggest emotional spurt I've ever had. I was all good. I was fine. & it took one phone call to get me snapping like a maniac again. I was wrong to react and respond that way. I was wrong to call you names. I was wrong to act childish and immature. I was wrong to have let vulgarity slip my lips every time I heard your name. It goes against all my own principles and morals. I apologize for that. For now I still haven't forgiven you. I will one day. & I hope you'll forgive me too.

As for the friendship. You. Yes I miss the company terribly. But after so much drama and arguing I've finally reached the point where I want to give up. "One last chance. You really want to call it quits?" that's all I can ask and offer right now. It's a take it or leave it. If it's a yes, then I learn to adapt. If it's a no then just got to try.

Another friendship. Maybe I'm just, scratch that. I'm just jealous. Not angry. Just jealous. Wasn't going to admit it and tell you because it's so stupid. I lost another friend. It started to feel like high school again. That period where you hated my guts and you turned to them. When I called it felt like you didn't want to hear my voice. When I saw you felt like you didn't want to see me. I felt so distant anytime I was with you. I felt so out of the loop and out of place. Like the only time I got a call was to help you out. No problem fine with that. It just... I don't know. Don't feel right.

This too shall pass --- so it has passed
My life is a mess. I've became a monster I loath. I've gotten angry at the world. I've gotten angry at people. I carry so much hate. It's just horrible. I just want to get my life back in order now.

You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came...

It's official. I lost him. I've decided. I gave in. Threw in the towel.
I feel kind of empty. But it's for the better, I hope.
It's kind of a relief. Like a weight lifted.
Slowly but surely memories of you will fade.
Everything will fade.
Just another chapter in my life.

Selective Listening...

Pfft maybe I was listening to what I wanted to hear. Fool’d again. Naaaw seriously stranger. I wish your sleeezy ass never came by this summer. Thanks for fucking up everything. Dishonest vixen. Conniving ass bitch. Damn I’m such a nice person. BUT real talk TRUE STORY. You are a fucking hurricane that came over and shook the foundation of everything. I’m the TYPE OF GIRL that loathes people like you. You hurt so much fucking people and you just bash your lashes and play innocent. Fuck this. Fuck you.

Funny story.

My mom instructed me to sell my Canon xTi. I don't know if she requested it to be sold out of anger or not but I obliged. I put up an ad on craigslist for $350. Sure enough I got a call from an enthusiastic Filipino lady. She had emailed and texted me for days for the camera. Even explained that she was going to the Philippines real soon and wanted a nice camera. I told my mom and I was so reluctant. I begged my mom to make up excuses not to sell it. "Talk to the woman." My mom talked to her and tried real hard. BUT NO LUCK. The woman was coming to our house to see the camera. I stared at my camera with a huge frown. It wasn't the fact it was a beautiful camera. It was the sentimental value. How much random adventures I had with it. How giddy I got when I first saw it. I wanted to cry as I packed up the box, putting away the charger and manual. The lady came to our house. Classy woman with pearls accessorizing her ears. Her two children identical to her stature short and chubby accompanied her. Her boys eyes lit up when he saw the camera. She took the camera and inspected it and handed it to him. The boy had the look that I had. The boy wanted to make magic. So we sold it and my camera and I parted ways. Honestly it felt like I gave up my baby. I was sad and my mom waved the 350 in my face. Claiming it as hers.

She saw how sad I was to part with it. She knew how much I love photography.
"It's ok mom now we got some cash, maybe can save it and buy another one."
"Why don't you look at Craigslist, maybe get one cheap one. The video one."
In my head I was like she got to be kidding it's like 700 - 800 on the market right now
"Whatever."
"You never know bogo, fine up to you I got my money."
I searched on craigslist, the emptiness crept up on me.
canon t1i
I got a hit. CANON t1i $595 EWA BEACH
PERFECT!
"Mom there's one Ewa Beach $595"
"Call em ask em for $500"
"You got to be kidding me $500? Forget it."
"Then forget it then."
"Ugh! fine."
I dialed the number and a lady answered the phone. She had a strong asian accent. My mom asked her for $500 on the camera. Started explaining that I was a design student. Asking her for just the body. My mom then handed the phone to me. I explained how I was a design student and she explained the features of the camera.
"How much for just the body, I don't need the lens."
"Oh I don't know. Let me see well I think. Ok $480"
MY EYES LIT UP! HELL YEAH!
"Really? I'd buy it cash! I've been saving for it this whole summer"
Sold. I had to meet her at Blockbuster with my ID and the cash. Just in case it was counterfeit money. She asked me what school I attend I told her. She explained how she majored in fashion at AAU.

The first of my friends left me yesterday. *Sigh soon we'll all be heading off to reality. I'm excited yet sad. Hot and cold. In and out. Up and down. Wrong and right. It's black and it's white. LOL. I'm excited for the new school year to start over. It's the emotional baggage I'm afraid of. I'm never great with goodbyes. I've been hugging my sister everyday of this month. I'm going to miss her so much. I've been taking photographic memories of everywhere. Try to catch a scent of streets and people just so I can remember them. It won't be till next summer till I can see everything again. It'll be a year since I've seen my cousin. I wish she came home this summer I miss her so much too. It's silly but Febreeze has a scent it's supposedly Hawaiian that smells just like her. Haha. I got a couple days left just got to live it up. As soon as I can ditch this office. My only regret this summer is not taking enough pictures! ;(