Curiosity killed the cat.

I'm done. Seriously. It's done.

First Grade

People have said that your first year of college is like Kindergarten. If that is the case then first grade isn't that bad. First grade have a couple friends familiar faces. You know where everything is. Your not so lost and helpless like kindergarten. You don't wet your pants cause your a big kid now. First day set of new rules. Much more stricter than last year but it's good in a way. Then new faces. Some gooood looking ones too ;)! Haha. It was a nice first day back. Saw all my friends and got big bear hugs. <3 My second class was really confusing but I really liked it :)! We learned about Sister Corita her work was amazing and inspiring. The colors the quotes she picked. The message she stressed it was wonderful. Just don't like the assignment x) haha but I'll get through it. I survived last year. When the nine hours were done I had food waiting on the stove for me and my mommy did my laundry. We ran some errands. Pinkie's dad finally got the internet working. I love him! Haha. Then had some mellow downtime talking to Gemel Mark. I love my best friend. I want him to get in the nursing program and I have so much faith in him. I know he will. Then Winnie came back she's apparently our 4th room mate for the month-ish. Then some more downtime watching TV. GOT THAT RUNNING TOO! :) Yay! I'm excited.

"Because sometimes there is no easy way out. You just have to grin and bear it. Sometimes the only escape route is to go straight through the flames. Just brace yourself and bite your lip. Sometimes you have to sever the ties clean off. Because in every relationship, there comes a point when the damage is too much and no matter how good it once was, the memories can’t sustain you. You have to save yourself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell. Because you can’t keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return."

Some part of me wants to cry. Wants to scream and curse. Some part of me just want an hour or two of nostalgic thoughts. But I can't. Not anymore. I'm going to miss you. A lot. I wish I could have hugged you. Ended it on a better note. BUT I gave you an ultimatum and this is what you wanted. No going back. I made that promise to myself.

"Haven't been living right"

I got myself in a terrible mess this summer. Yesterday I just broke down and cried. Asking for a little more time to just be angry. A little more time to let it out. But I'm done now. Enough. I'm a hypocrite and I can't believe some of things that came out of my mouth. I got nothing to blame but life. I mean shit happens but I wasn't prepared to deal with it. Never knew how to. I'm terrible with change. Horrible with goodbyes. That's me. I like order in my life. "You haven't been living right" Mounger's voice just echoes through my head. The ol' man's lectures are like podcasts on repeat.

The biggest emotional spurt I've ever had. I was all good. I was fine. & it took one phone call to get me snapping like a maniac again. I was wrong to react and respond that way. I was wrong to call you names. I was wrong to act childish and immature. I was wrong to have let vulgarity slip my lips every time I heard your name. It goes against all my own principles and morals. I apologize for that. For now I still haven't forgiven you. I will one day. & I hope you'll forgive me too.

As for the friendship. You. Yes I miss the company terribly. But after so much drama and arguing I've finally reached the point where I want to give up. "One last chance. You really want to call it quits?" that's all I can ask and offer right now. It's a take it or leave it. If it's a yes, then I learn to adapt. If it's a no then just got to try.

Another friendship. Maybe I'm just, scratch that. I'm just jealous. Not angry. Just jealous. Wasn't going to admit it and tell you because it's so stupid. I lost another friend. It started to feel like high school again. That period where you hated my guts and you turned to them. When I called it felt like you didn't want to hear my voice. When I saw you felt like you didn't want to see me. I felt so distant anytime I was with you. I felt so out of the loop and out of place. Like the only time I got a call was to help you out. No problem fine with that. It just... I don't know. Don't feel right.

This too shall pass --- so it has passed
My life is a mess. I've became a monster I loath. I've gotten angry at the world. I've gotten angry at people. I carry so much hate. It's just horrible. I just want to get my life back in order now.

You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came...

It's official. I lost him. I've decided. I gave in. Threw in the towel.
I feel kind of empty. But it's for the better, I hope.
It's kind of a relief. Like a weight lifted.
Slowly but surely memories of you will fade.
Everything will fade.
Just another chapter in my life.

Selective Listening...

Pfft maybe I was listening to what I wanted to hear. Fool’d again. Naaaw seriously stranger. I wish your sleeezy ass never came by this summer. Thanks for fucking up everything. Dishonest vixen. Conniving ass bitch. Damn I’m such a nice person. BUT real talk TRUE STORY. You are a fucking hurricane that came over and shook the foundation of everything. I’m the TYPE OF GIRL that loathes people like you. You hurt so much fucking people and you just bash your lashes and play innocent. Fuck this. Fuck you.