heavy on the heart

I MISS the "USE TO BE"

-enough said.

Happy Halloween,

it's been one hell of a busy week, and finally it's over i can FINALLY take my break. Yearbook deadline done. News writing deadline done. Video contest done. I can finally live normal for a while. Here's a secret every time I have a deadline for any media I start to tremble, in my hands.

This would have been my "happy" Halloween.
Trick-o-treating for a while.
Chilling at the park .
Then a good movie.
While eating my tricks.

but, I'm forced to go to a party, with a bunch of strangers. My mom's high school friends, and my mom is forcing my sister and I to go knowing we would hate being there, and probably be bored out of our minds.

I HATE SCHOOL!

now is later.

school has been ok :) 1st period hella long. was talking to dfizz and ivy, till the "sense of urgency" popped up :/ that was a downer. been on it with the A&C logo. and my group final filmed. now i got to film with the other group and get to major edits. i had my usual "talk" with pops about being "talked" to. haha. everything is gee. but idk if i can, my mother's been upset with me :( another stress load. shit.

focus.

bout to head out to school not looking forward to it.
it's my senior year, and i keep hearing it's your senior year you are suppose to have fun.
not saying it's senioritis nope never again do i want to mess up. i already did junior year. i finally confronted what has been bugging me for the couple of days, the thing that's been haunting my dreams. it's all good. i lost my focus, i wanted to enter this year doing videos and enjoying my life with my friends, it's senior year. i miss my bestfriend so much, i tired calling him. something came up and that got in the way and i ended up yelling at him. ya dig? well got to head to school. update later.

craving:

on the weekends, i like to chill at borders. and i was browsing at some books. it is starting to feel like fall... rainy nights in a bookstore. dorky? hah!

book list:
-the shack
-five people you meet in heaven
-a brand spanking new sketch book :)

not looking forward to school tomorrow. stress-o-rama.

heavy on my mind = dreams

so weird, something has been depressing me this weekend. just some replayed thoughts, and words that had been said to me over the course of the past week. that came from that one hero, that made me kind of low. i guess it was so heavy on my mind it popped up in my dreams. same scenario but a different situation, end result i felt low and was about to cry :( laaaaameeee.

i think i know what lessons are to be learned from it, but i just can't get over it.
you dig? probably not hah!

i feel disappointed in my self
i feel hurt
i feel patronized
i feel a mix bag full of depressing emotions.
still...
hard blow yesterday
first the scare
then the cold shoulder
then HM
the tears
then the half ass work
make you feel like nothing...
then the shutdown on the graphic
the half ass work
then HM
then football game
then the attitude
then HM
then mother...
all lead to one conclusion
time to take that stupid break.
but i won't let it get in my way of enjoying my day right now.

"I don't like work-no man does-but I like what is in the work,-the chance to find yourself. Your own reality-for yourself, not for others-what no other man can ever know. They can only see the mere show, and never can tell what it really means. "

--Joseph Conrad Heart of Darkeness

haha if Ms. Tanaka could only see me now.