I need a pick me up. I haven't been feeling good emotionally. It's so annoying. I hate this. It's 3 more weeks till I come home, and I should be happy right? I should be excited? Now it feels like I'm just doing things just to get by, that's horrible I can't have that happening. I'm thinking about transferring to another school. Parsons? maybe. At least there's room and board. I don't know I have to think it over.

201 (minus the 0 equal days left)

Happy Holidays. Took this picture last year at Honolulu City Lights. 21 days I can't wait to go to the beaches, eat gooood food, and just chill. Oh joy oh joy :D! Well I'm awake and have class at 12. I just hate how long it is. Walking home late tonight, I hate that.

Maybe being here made me a little stronger. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I really need to go see a doctor and find out if I really do have depression. It's not pathetic it's real.

200.

I'm at the apartment now. This sadness and depression is rolling over me, and now more than ever do I need it to go away. I can't live with this anchor, it's stopping me from living my life. They say it's all in the head. That back then there was no such thing, but I honestly believe that I am suffering from depression.

In other news, I'm giving up... this time I can do it. I'm promising myself. No longer.

I've blogged in here so much why not keep it up right?! Although there's a huge Gap between the last date I blogged and now... gaaah well not much graduation, grad parties, california, homesick, korean bbq, pretty much it LOL!

Well today Daniel Lisa and I pretty much took a drive to a different world. It was amazing, like we couldn't believe our eyes. It looked fake. We went to Big Bear to play in snow. The snow to us was a whole different element and we just adventured into it. It was so much, but so damn cold. In the end we spent a good 4 hours and ended with Vietnamese Pho mmmm so damn good.

I think I'm getting sick, damn! Can't afford anymore absences.

I miss home, it hurts right now. I'm debating if I should just go home for college or find a different school. I would regret it so much, but it's better for the family I guess.

I treat you as a friend
and after so many years
you treat me like I'm not even there!
I hate you
you bastard for making me
get all emotional like this
I hate you
you bastard for making me cry
I hate
the fact I'd be there for you
EVEN after all this
EVEN after everything
but you wouldn't for me.
:'(
I can't keep up this smile any longer. No I can't. I ain't about to break down and cry too. Nope. Am I ok? Far from it. I'm hurt and I feel pathetic for feeling this way. Hurt! I should be MAD I AM MAD. I don't give a fuck anymore. Couple months and we're off. You always wanted it this way. It's always been about you. YOU always care what other people think. When we both know it ain't anything more. YOU care what others think. BUT you never considered my feelings. AFTER EVERYTHING. You told me yourself. That YOU CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK! Even that letter from RETREAT that one time was a bunch of BULL! Still is. You always treated others better then me. I ask you a favor. NO. Someone else ask you the same favor. OH SURE! YOU DID THAT TO ME THREE TIMES THIS PAST WEEK! I treat you like a person, you treat me like a no body. Never EVER EVER did you return the favor. NEVER did. It always been about you. BEFORE you made me wait for you, for two hours. Only to find out you already left on another bus. SO MUCH SHIT! You should already know. ASSHOLE!
:'(
I'd be there for you
EVEN after all this
EVEN after everything
but you wouldn't for me.
:'(
:'(
:'(

School tomorrow not looking forward to *IT she thinks I'm a liar now. GREAT! Hah! Well this week looking back at it, I needed it. I needed to be in a different environment. Now that I am, I'm not sure if I ever want to go back. I spent this whole year apart from my friends. Been so busy with so much. I had my fill. I had enough bullshit. Well I'm pretty tired. I'm off.

this week.

was one of the better weeks i had in a long time. i miss my friends. i miss that feeling. i've been missing it for a while. fuck everything else.