i can't stand it anymore! my dad is giving me hell! I HATE HIM, i don't know why i choose to come here. one big mistake. scolding me telling me i going no where, looking at me no one would like me no one would be my friend. WELL YOU DON'T know me. You don't even bother asking what goes on in my fucking life. you don't even know what i've been through these couple months. these couple of fucking years. because "i don't have custody of you, why should i care" same ol' fucking answer everytime. i hate the life i live now and it's all thanks to you and your wife. and you scold me about kissing other peoples ass (WHICH I DON'T) and you want me to kiss hers. thank her for what? for splitting my family. and you choose her over us all the fricken time, and you tell me i do things for my friends and not you. how many times i get calls from kelly saying she's all alone at the park at night because you went to pick up your wife. how many times kelly had to beg you to come to her school to show you what shes done, oh it's your moms custody. man how i want to tell you off everytime i see kelly's face after you tell her that. kiss your wifes ass, fuck no. you make her hate me too so i can appreciate her wtf? low man low. tell her that i hate her cause she got me nothing for christmas. wtf?! wtf?! i don't give a damn how much presents i got under the tree. ignorant old man! shit dogging on the people i hang out with, oh come on it's a new century get over it! it's all about love in the bible, so why hate?! huh! all your friends are f.o.b.'s and they just as ignorant as you. all they care about is materlistic things and fucking how they appear to people, they discriminate. low lifes. when i need something for school you can't even pay half of it, even though it's all in the court documents. complain you got no money. yeah got no money so i can go to the philippines in the summer and then go to new york in the fall. get people renting out the rooms, oh by the way you and your sister sleep on the couch, and fucking extend your house. what the hell. my uncle had 3 kids and he loves them to death, he loves all of them anytime they needed them he was there. and you know what he's there for me too, all my aunties and uncles are. so go ahead and talk shit about my mom's side. you and your so called distant cousins. if wasn't for my fucking good hearted grandmother you'll still be in PI. yeah and speaking of grandmothers, i really wonder what grandma would say, the way you treat us. at least grandma can remember me! i went there. and you know what? go around and tell people i'm a disappointment, mock me in front of your friends. yep go around and tell them the story of how your son ran away from you too. show what kind of dad you've been. if you drove your only son away. ralph was smart fucking leaving you, so he would have to stop kissing ass to you and your wife. you fucked up on 2 out of 3 kids. you tell me what kind of father you been. and last of all you really are sick. fucking picking out your father daughter dance songs with kelly and making her call me about it. butterfly kiss my ass. you really don't know me, you walked out on me a long time ago. don't bother showing up to my graduation, you already told me all i did was disappoint you.

I'm feeling hesitant right now blogging about the situation from last night, because I've told myself I wouldn't cry anymore, but right now I hope I can forgive myself. Last night I had a breakdown once again. I cause a scene, fighting with my mother on the phone, I won't disclose the content of our argument. I started to breakdown right there in the classroom, crying on the floor. Jeffry there trying to get me to laugh, I love him for it. Then we went to film the EBNB mtg. which was canceled. So we cleaned up, loaded the car and Ramiscal took Jeff, Jon, and I to eat at Ninja Sushi. We ate talked stories. Afterward I didn't want to go home, so Rams dropped my off at my dad's house. The car ride, I spilled my guts out, I told him everything, I usually don't I don't like to talk about my life, I like keeping it in so no one would ask what's wrong. This time I spilled everything. I just went to bed that night, I didn't upload my 365 for yesterday till this morning.


My only relief.
Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one. -Stella Adler

Scars.

The feeling still lingers, an emotional scar. There are times in the day when everything comes flooding in all at once, it suffocates me. I can't breathe, I can't think, it's too much. Even during the break, I find myself confused in my own thoughts. I told myself to suck it up, not to cry anymore and I haven't so far. It's that pain, where everything in you wants to shut down, eyes begin to tear up, and in your mind your confused trying to create a list. Then your mind loses the battle to your tears and body.

I don't know what the hell I'm blogging about.

Questions.

When I was younger curious about a lot of things I asked questions, how are you suppose to know if you don't ask? and the response "stupid question every time how many times you ask these stupid fucking questions. how many times you ask that. your like that stupid kid in your class, got to be repeated to. stupid questions. why you even ask." that's why I get uncomfortable asking questions. Countless times I was shut down when I was little. I was afraid to ask the wrong one. That's why I don't like asking questions, I don't like being the representative. I need someone there as crutch.

blah >__< random.

A few years ago, there was the annual 50th state fair. There's a certain ride that spins you and keeps you up in the air and all that, the gut minor gut wrenching one. I've rode that ride before, and disliked it a lot. My cousins, two big boys were forcing me on it. Come on Ahndi ride it come on ride AHHH YOU CHICKEN WEAK SHIT yeah they kept dogging on me all night. I was fed up I had explained that I rode it before and didn't want to. So I kept on insisting they ride it, since they obviously want me to do it. My words didn't even reach there ears as they were dogging on me. I was so upset I screamed you say I can't ride it but you guys aren't even willing to go... ran away with eyes full of angry tears...

and that incident reminds me of some situations in my life right now. when people force me to go do it but they ain't doing it themselves. and all they do it cut me down. wth?

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theme: religion
i'm bored going to take more pics. peace.

365 img

So the 365 challenge is a long story. Take a picture everyday and upload it onto flickr, facebook, and myspace with a watermark (a precaution). This challenge is for Jay. Aye. Dfizz Campable (sounds like campbell to me deary) and Awear (OH MY THAT'S ME!). 365 this is going to be interesting.

First blog of the New Year. Yes we made it my friend Happy New Year! Like a retreat I will expect a temparary change in everyone, that includes me, 2 weeks max. I Spent New Years Eve with the family well at least Half, 4/7 aunties and uncles. One had the in-laws, the other I have no idea, and the last one resides in the mainland. & I miss my bestfriend.

Random thought. GOSH IT'S SO HARD BEING ME, I hate when people say that, it so self centered.

Ok so I need to get school work done, next week already I need to go in to turn in work, and maybe some work already waiting for me? Nah probability no. BORED BORED BORED!
PEACE! THIS RANT IS OVER!