Back Then and Now...

A few weeks ago Daniel, Ivy, and I went to Starbucks just to get out of the house and there we seen an old familiar face, Bryant. Daniel was telling us about something he had done in Australia, I just smiled and Bryant looked at me and said "Haha suckin' Ahndi I know you gonna say something dirty, something stupid. Still never change same ol' Ahndi" translation "Ahndi I know you joker, always have a comeback same ol' girl haha :)" Honestly in my head I was like "huh?" and I tried to think of a comeback like Bryant assumed, but nothing... I just couldn't.

Funny, because freshman year I had always had a comeback I was a "peanut gallery" I had commentary on everything, and I befriended people who were just like me. Yep, Daniel, Caitlin, and I would say a billion and one things, inappropriate? yes immature? yep. Our freshmen teachers even kept an extra watch on us. Looking back at it was fun but so immature, I ain't as mean now as I was back then. Something change.

The jokes aren't on other people instead it's on me now That sounds bad ,but it isn't really. I let people crack jokes on me because "If you can't laugh at yourself, then don't even bother laughing at others". I'm kind of a pushover now. I'm the nice guy girl. I'd give up my seat for you no matter how tired my legs are, I would give you my jacket even though I'm freezing myself. I just do it out of impulse. I know my limits, I won't tolerate ROYAL pains.

Even my friendships change, I prefer people who are a bit more nicer, but with that mild humor. I think I lost my friendship with Caitlin, because I can't stand how she says the meanest things and is outraged when someone calls her white. SHE SELF PROCLAIMS HER SELF AS WHITE! Come on now. I see her and I what I was.

A girl who would hurt others to make others like her make others laugh so she would fit in. Only to be losing her true self.

I don't know.

Patoranized...

Junior year I really don't know what happened my GPA was so high and then it hit a low point and shot back up again. I piled my plate my week so high in things, I admit I was drowning. My very first "SM assignment" (I guess you can all it that) I messed up a little. YES THAT WAS MY JUNIOR YEAR! To me that is all in the past, I made my mistakes I fumbled but I'm not going to let that be it, I'm slowly learning from it. I call it a RUDE AWAKENING, I know now that I need to be more balanced, prioritize, I can say no. Life is a learning experience right? What I do not need is to be patronized! I'm still learning. so SHUT UP!

UPDATE so last night was talking about ^^ to "pops" and he said

"i got your back, but she'll continue to harp on you.
she really, really admires your potential
and knows u can do better"

and then advised me to build my confidence. A lot of self improvement needs to be made, but I know I can do it.

I Just Don't Get It...

him:you know why? because i admit, you're the only person i can really talk to and be myself around and there's no other person idk why. but when i talk to you it's like i'm in my comfort zone and it's just so amazing. and the reason why i don't wanna start anything with you is like i always say, there's just no chemistry, you're not my type, and i'm not ready for anything yet. i got a whole life ahead of me.

A Dreamer...

My mother calls me a dreamer. My best friend calls me a dreamer as well. A dreamer, a person who dreams and paints a fantasy world, so wonderful you only wish it was true. Yep a dreamer. Who talks but never do. The bittersweet description suits me well, that's not a good thing. My aspiration is to break away from it. Man do I resent being called that, because I know it's true and man it kills me. How I can't make it reality, because I'm a lazy bum but hopefully this year it's...

Time to wake up.

Lessons for today,

"Anyone who ever
gave you confidence,
you owe them a lot."

Holding anger is poison,
it eats you from inside.
We think that by hating someone we hurt them,
but hatred is a curved blade,
and the harm we do to others
we also do to ourselves.

--Unknown

LIVE&LEARN.

Count Down Begins...

I really am scared for next year, no scratch that anxious. no scratch that I'm getting that exhilarating, yet timid, where your heart beats match your inhales and exhales feeling. Not so much of the upcoming school year, but what comes after. Post-High School, post-securityto Pre-Life. The days are getting shorter and shorter 365 turns to 7 in a blink of an eye, and it's really hard to think about it, without getting that worried look . It's a whole lot of jumbled up conundrum of feelings, is the risk worth it? How can I be so sure? That this is what I want to do in life, That this is going to work, That this what is going to make my life? Is this for me? How far will I go? I'm not scared of risks because none taken is regret, I'm not scared of mistakes because none made are lessons unlearned. I'm scared of not knowing my destiny, my future not having the control over it. Nothing can reassure my fear, all I can rely on is, my mind, spirit, imagination and passion.