Everything you said. Everything you feel for her. The insecurities. The what ifs. Was what I felt for you. Slowly but surely not anymore.This is will be my last act of affection for you. A sacrifice that I hope my heart will understand. Hopefully while I’m doing this. I can truly get over you. No longer will I play victim to this unrequited love. Instead I’ll muster the courage to take it and endure it. With pain as my teacher and experience as my friend I will get over this. I really did love you and care for you. Would have done anything. As a fool in love I really thought something was there. One day I hope to look back at this. I won’t laugh. But smile, a smile of satisfaction. You were the first person I unselfishly cared for. The first person I exposed a vulnerable me. The first person to break my heart. The first person I loved. Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t pity me. Don’t feel any guilt. I did all I can and tried. As long as your happy I will be too. Enough, enough now. I promise. Slowly but surely. I promise.

“It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all…”

I'm not gonna mess this up for you

I'm gonna be happy for you

I'm gonna help you

I'm gonna not gonna hurt you

Everything you said. Everything you feel for her. The insecurities. The what ifs. Was what I felt for you. Slowly but surely not anymore.This is will be my last act of affection for you. A sacrifice that I hope my heart will understand. Hopefully while I'm doing this. I can truly get over you. No longer will I play victim to this unrequited love. Instead I'll muster the courage to take it and endure it. With pain as my teacher and experience as my friend I will get over this. I really did love you and care for you. Would have done anything. As a fool in love I really thought something was there. One day I hope to look back at this. I won't laugh. But smile, a smile of satisfaction. You were the first person I unselfishly cared for. The first person I exposed a vulnerable me. The first person to break my heart. The first person I loved. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't pity me. Don't feel any guilt. I did all I can and tried. As long as your happy I will be too.

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all..."

2nd week of 2nd semester

My weekend at the mount was a roller coaster. Although I still feel like a stranger I'm starting to feel comfortable. I spent most of my weekend in Gemel's dorm watching DVD's. Taken, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Uninvited, Pineapple Express, Gran Torino. I fell asleep half way during the last two dvd's. I was surrounded by good company. With innocent fun. I enjoyed it and much like the weather I was very sad and gloomy to leave familiar faces. It's something I guess I'll never get use to.

Classes so far has been ok. My elective has been a dud. Form and space made me feel weak. Drawing and Composition surprisingly was my burst of sunshine this week. That class lifted my gloomy spirits. Went home and had a nice phone conversation with my best friend just like ol' times and again later that night on facebook. So far so good.

Only complaints is the weather. Really killing me. The weather has gotten to my exterior but I refuse to let it into my interior.

I blog to release all my anxiety. I blog because I miss home. I blog to improve writing. I blog to help me get by day by day.

my inner demons are at it again. it hurts so much right now. the weather is not helping. why didn't i seek help when i was in hawaii? why didn't i ask if i was haunted by depression... was i too ashamed to ask? people might think i'm crazy but i know i have it. the "back in my day there was no such thing as..."

it's more than just feeling sad. no this feeling is weigh you down that you don't want to pick your self up. that you rather sleep away your days because you want to escape the world. the feeling where all that you love seems too far away, that you're totally and completely alone. all your hope and dreams are fading, and all you can think about is the struggle the problems and worries. you try to be optimistic you try to think positive but you get shut down. you want the tears to come, they are so close but you're too weak and sad to do so.

I've got a world of chances...

Maybe you'll call me someday,
Hear the operator say the numbers no good
And that she had a world of chances for you...

Like a cat with nine lives I'm down to my last one. One more and I'm done, for good.

this is too difficult for me to handle

I feel really out of place, like I shouldn't bother with someone's ohana. At the same time the Ohana is friends with you. But you feel like you're in a place where they should be complete strangers. I mean why you bothered getting to know them...idk complicated.

even if we were nothing.

Listen to YOUR HEART. Dreams is a wish YOUR HEART makes.

HEART > MIND

DREAMS > REALITY

miss them...

Just got back from MSMC. It was the tiny little break, I don't regret my decision, it was worth being there. It got me in the mood to go back to school. It was quite amusing to sit in for one of their classes and bullshit my name and major. I'm Sandra majoring in Nursing, blah blah blah. I wish she was my professor she was very amusing. LOL it was the nice chill downtime I needed. I love it. Going back this Saturday, first time catching the bus here in LA omg someone wish me luck >___<

Dear Hawaii

i miss you so much every heavy sigh i make is follwed by tears, it’s so hard to let you go once again. it is killing me. your beauty. your people. the aloha spirit. can never compare to the concrete jungle and it’s cold stone environment. i miss you hawaii. and although it gets harder each day at least i know it’s a step closer to you. please take care. may the lord watch over and bless you hawaii. please take care of my loves. guide my juniors and bless my seniors. i will reunite with them soon. goodbye hawaii.
I’ve never been great with goodbyes. Even temporary ones. No matter what goodbyes always hurt. to me a goodbye only occurs with reality catches up with you. when you can’t escape and you have no other choice but to let go. yeah that’s what it is goodbyes are let gos for me. goodbye is telling me let go of your home goodbye/let go of your life and say hello. Hello are just as scary as goodbyes. Uncertinty. First impressions. It’s opportunity, but black dark thoughts cloud my mind. thus my lack of confidence. I miss home dearly. So much more now. Just 4 months and I’ll see if I will just stay. Although I’ll regret it I just can’t take the pain of another goodbye. it hurts.

I don't want to sleep because I know when I wake up it will be time to go. I'm trying to stay awake. Trying to stay positive. I am my own worst enemy. HELP ME!

Three weeks went by so fast and break is officially is over. I'm so sad. I really am. I know what awaits me in Los Angeles, the thought of it is killing me. School is fine, it's just being stuck. Confide to a space. Confide to a tiny apartment. Where I do nothing but homework and facebook. It's hard. I love Hawaii and everything about it, I don't mine that it's tiny. It's home. Just got to suck it up. Suck it up. Suck it up. It's starting to get difficult. I just want to stay home.

I had to hang up and turn away, I knew that the words that meant so much held no meaning for you. This is it.

ohshaaaa

people and their facebook games!

I miss my cousin!

I miss her I miss her I miss her
-- she was my older sister!

I'm afraid...

to face my fear and ask for help.

to be completely honest...
I'm NOT looking forward to going back to Los Angeles
but I will TRY to be OPTIMISTIC

Ramiscal took this :) isn't a beautiful view?

yesterday I had an amazing day with my second family. with rams jordan and kim we went and explored the north shore. we went up 1/4 of the mountain, but we won't tell anyone that. we had some shave ice, went up to see waimea and had some downtime at the beach. it was so random, and it was oh so interesting to hear the ol'man recall his youthful days. I loved yesterday. Even when I got home my mother and I did not argue and spent some time at zippy's talking. it was indeed a good day.

Dear 2010,

I've decided.
To START living right
To STOP nostalgic thoughts
To YIELD to others opinions and ideas

vague statement with so much behind it.

As well as to keep in mind
THIS TOO SHALL PAST