I'm dying of frustration, confusion, everything. I can't stand it I want to punch a wall. I want to hit something. I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!

Got home on Monday. To be honest, I don't remember ever being in Los Angeles. I can't recall a single day. It felt like I was in a deep sleep and I just woke up. It's just weird. I'm dreading the day I need to go back, but I need to stay strong! FIGHTING!

If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay.

It has been a while since I could jot down a note that is actually meaningful. It's almost time to fly home yet I'm not excited as I hoped to be. Before I was so excited I counted down the days and dreamed about boarding the plane. Hearing "we will be reaching our destination shortly..." Now it seems like I am no longer in the mood to go. I don't know what it is. Everything is fine. Relationships (friendships, family, etc.) is fine. Everything is fine. I'm in the single digit count down and yet I feel sad. Is that normal? Someone tell me.

Maybe I'm scared and I'm a coward. That something will occur that will make me regret coming home. Then I'll end up regretting regretting that I wanted to come home. It's complicated.

Well as of today I have 6 more glorious days! 4 more days of school. I regret not flying out on Sunday.

Have I been so accustomed to summing up my day in 140 characters or less. Damn that's a shame. I use to blog ideas and personal growth. It seems now I'm too tired, or lazy. Not in the mood. What a shame. A wasted mind. Damn.

Winter break I was looking forward to some good eats. Hiking. QT with family and friends. Honestly going to church with you. Idk if that last request is going to happen.

Last day of CAS so happy :) fo' real! Awww she gave us cookies <3 today was a good day indeed.

Look what I've done. Look what I've done. He was right. He was right. All along. This whole thing was a lie. It started off real but then that feeling faded quickly. It was over and done with a long time ago but I hung on. I didn't want to let it go. He already did. I backed him up in a corner and locked him up. He never cared he just did things to please me. TO please everyone. If he had hated me reacted the way he should of what will have people thought of him. This asshole hurting a girl that gave him everything he asked. That's another way I cornered him I LOVED him so much I did everything and used it against him. I used it against him. If I loved him I wouldn't need to expect anything in return right? Last night my room mate made me realize how much I hurt him. I turned on the TV and it happened again. Went to bed. Woke up again and again. I can't do this to him, you know? SO this Christmas that's my gift to him and to myself.

Wife Woman Friend Part 1 - Dana Gilmore

i guess i shouldnt be surprised that my beginning was his end, afterall we were just friends,but in my world i was his girl,so i would pretend to be his wife , sayin shyt like"its only so many years in a womans life". right. so i gave him 3.and yet he still had the audacity to step to me on this "donnell jones i dont know where i wanna be" type shit.yo, it wasnt supposed to b like this. he hit me with the forehead kiss. told me life was a journey and he was ready to "explore this shit".and i was pissed.to me he was a hypocrit like a fake preacher in the pulpit and he left me sick. and no he didnt choose me but that doesnt make him right nor wrong. and just because he was the epitome of my life doesnt make me wrong nor right. like i said i was his friend . not his wife .and i shouldv'e acted within that capacity.and maybe then this breakup wouldve been "just one of those things" instead of a fuckin tragedy. and all that time i spent mad at him. hell, i shoulda been mad at me. afterall i was the one that gave him a key to my house and let him hang clothes in my closet just in case we go out. not to mention washin his dirty clothes just to "make a full load". and let him finish off the leftovers just so the food dont go cold. for the times when we raw-dogged cus he lost all the rubbers. and tho i should him more support than his own father,brother,sister, and mother.and just cause those same people dial my number when they tryin to get in touch. and he recieves mail at my address just cause he be here so much. got total control of the remote control to the tv,dvd, and radio.and even though his name is not on my lease, got shit in my house thats off limits to me. like his side of my bed, and his stash of weed. but none of this obligates him to me. because not once did we exchange vows. and if i knew then what i know now.i probably woulda listened when said it was some shit he had to get up out his system, but see i was too busy bitchin jumpin back like i was gon hit him...cause in the back of my mind, all i could fatham was how much i was gon miss him. but just because im cryin,ya'll, doesnt mean that im the victim.just means i was too scared to let him go cus some other chick might get him.and that was my fault cus that was my decision. i shouldve never put my heart in my minds position. but i couldnt shake him he was like a bad habit. and im doin all this for a nigga that was just average. doin average nigga shit.

I simply liked tumblr because of the funny quotes, amazing graphics, amazing photos, good music. It seems quite obvious more than ever that many tumblr blogs are self promotion or about love. For me in my current state I think it's healthy to strain from that. I'm so tired now I could crash but I'm waiting for Silla and need to study. Events occurred tonight that made it quite clear. From a different perspective and I realized so much. I'm done for real now. It's a long time coming. I honestly can't go on hurting this person, for my selfish reasons. I'm growing up I guess.

- fin. drawing and comp
- fin. liberals
- fin. form & space (wood)

The semester is almost over and I'm just excited to come and go home you know? As much as I hate to admit it, it kind of felt great being here. Feels like I'm growing up. It feels, not saying I'm grown up I still need my parents and support. I've enjoyed this whole new experience and mos' def have grown as an artist. I use to complain about studio classes, but I'm finding them enjoyable. Sure some people dabble straight into what they need. Where is the foundation though you know? The core, the basics to lay all their creative stuff on? Well it's been a difficult bittersweet couple of months. I'm looking forward to hoppin' on that plane. Get to some place familiar and good eatin'

Hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart heed my warning
You've been wrong before

- Feelin' this song.

I've been fighting for something that isn't there. I don't know why. Unconditionally I'm in a unrequited relationship. I don't know. I don't know. I'm tried of hurting. Beating myself up. If you don't call thanks. I know what that means. Goodbye. I'm tired of fighting. I'm only blogging just to keep my mind clear. To take this burden off, but it's not working. My mind is off.