heavy on the heart

I MISS the "USE TO BE"

-enough said.

Happy Halloween,

it's been one hell of a busy week, and finally it's over i can FINALLY take my break. Yearbook deadline done. News writing deadline done. Video contest done. I can finally live normal for a while. Here's a secret every time I have a deadline for any media I start to tremble, in my hands.

This would have been my "happy" Halloween.
Trick-o-treating for a while.
Chilling at the park .
Then a good movie.
While eating my tricks.

but, I'm forced to go to a party, with a bunch of strangers. My mom's high school friends, and my mom is forcing my sister and I to go knowing we would hate being there, and probably be bored out of our minds.

I HATE SCHOOL!

now is later.

school has been ok :) 1st period hella long. was talking to dfizz and ivy, till the "sense of urgency" popped up :/ that was a downer. been on it with the A&C logo. and my group final filmed. now i got to film with the other group and get to major edits. i had my usual "talk" with pops about being "talked" to. haha. everything is gee. but idk if i can, my mother's been upset with me :( another stress load. shit.

focus.

bout to head out to school not looking forward to it.
it's my senior year, and i keep hearing it's your senior year you are suppose to have fun.
not saying it's senioritis nope never again do i want to mess up. i already did junior year. i finally confronted what has been bugging me for the couple of days, the thing that's been haunting my dreams. it's all good. i lost my focus, i wanted to enter this year doing videos and enjoying my life with my friends, it's senior year. i miss my bestfriend so much, i tired calling him. something came up and that got in the way and i ended up yelling at him. ya dig? well got to head to school. update later.

craving:

on the weekends, i like to chill at borders. and i was browsing at some books. it is starting to feel like fall... rainy nights in a bookstore. dorky? hah!

book list:
-the shack
-five people you meet in heaven
-a brand spanking new sketch book :)

not looking forward to school tomorrow. stress-o-rama.

heavy on my mind = dreams

so weird, something has been depressing me this weekend. just some replayed thoughts, and words that had been said to me over the course of the past week. that came from that one hero, that made me kind of low. i guess it was so heavy on my mind it popped up in my dreams. same scenario but a different situation, end result i felt low and was about to cry :( laaaaameeee.

i think i know what lessons are to be learned from it, but i just can't get over it.
you dig? probably not hah!

i feel disappointed in my self
i feel hurt
i feel patronized
i feel a mix bag full of depressing emotions.
still...
hard blow yesterday
first the scare
then the cold shoulder
then HM
the tears
then the half ass work
make you feel like nothing...
then the shutdown on the graphic
the half ass work
then HM
then football game
then the attitude
then HM
then mother...
all lead to one conclusion
time to take that stupid break.
but i won't let it get in my way of enjoying my day right now.

"I don't like work-no man does-but I like what is in the work,-the chance to find yourself. Your own reality-for yourself, not for others-what no other man can ever know. They can only see the mere show, and never can tell what it really means. "

--Joseph Conrad Heart of Darkeness

haha if Ms. Tanaka could only see me now.

Taken one down.

At school right now supposedly filming the football game but I'm currently on a break after 4-3 hours of filming. So I had a bad day. Very emotional today. I was bawling the night before, today during 2nd, lunch, 3rd and 4th. It's okay, I'm still salty and not really happy about a few things, and a little more now -__- . I'm ready to take my break now. Emotional, Physical and Mental  break for now. I still have  a :( inside me. I feel a lot of things. 

Save the Boobs

Daniel and I participated in the race for the cure, along with Ms. Jones, Cody and some other kids. It was fun got to walk around the Zoo and Kapiolani park :) Jazzercise is very entertaining. We even saw Mrs. Rams there.

After wards Daniel and I went to Kahala Mall, to chill. We saw the new MBP :) AMAZING and a lot of Race for the Cure participants there. Then we went to Ala Moana we were gonna eat there but forget it. Then we went to Pearl Ridge he ate there. Then to Kapolei Jamba got my self an app. and turned it in, hopefully i get the job. I need that MBP :) that's the goal.

i asked for work again today. i get a F U C K no (he spelled it out). shitty deals :( then he somewhat gave in :) haha.

got home fixed my resume, printed it. fixed it again. then took a nap.

I'm mailing this card because I have the feeling that I'm going to meet the person who will change my life on the way to the post office.


just came home from the football game. sabers v. kaiser cougars. was suppose to be with gemel at the game, but he bailed. so it was just me, antonio, jeff, kirstin, and angie. i was so upset with him, i bitched at him so much. he turned off his phone. but i guess he knew he did wrong because he started calling my phone with a private number, trying to make me laugh :) tomorrow i'm going with dfizz to a walk for breastcancer pretty cool. dfizz is picking me up at 5:00 am >__< so damn early oh wells. for a good cause. man been so busy this week. three weeks ago was a hectic week then had the nice relaxing break. and back again with another hectic week. i'm stressing out, i can feel my heart racing and i get upset easier, my hair is falling, and i'm so sore. my body is tired.

random moment at the game, i seen mr. dela cruz and &WHAT at the game. i told &what no worry ms. i'll turn in my work and she was about to tackle me ;) haha! then i asked mr. dela cruz for some tips on photography and he gave me some and talked about teaching. that we should do field trips, and &WHAT chimmed in on the weekends not during class. haha. but yeah i really want to learn photography, from pops and dela. hawwww -___- i want T.U.L.E. seriously so i have the time to learn.

can't wait for playoff games, and hopefully ALOHA STADIUM :) cool working it there cheee.
ok i need to sleep bye. bye.

Reading Past Blogs

DUN DUN DUN!
it's seems that i have done a lot of growing. there has been a lot of times i stressed. and i had a couple epiphany's that turned out for the best. yes sir. a lot. in term one i read everything that i wrote, which documented everyday and man one busy week. i looked at last week all that i blogged and it seems like centuries ago. and every week i was stressed. total the number of meltdowns i've had 20 plus. over two months. complained of being tired, a dozen times.

yep, i don't care it's been one hell of a ride. i don't regret nothing.

Life's Little Instruction Book
-- H. Jackson Brown, Jr
Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.

Be kinder than necessary.

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

Commit yourself to constant improvement.

Don't major in minor things.

Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.

Take care of your reputation. It's your most valuable asset.

Never underestimate the power of a kind word or deed.

Watch for big problems. They disguise big opportunities.

Believe in love at first sight.

Talk slow but think quick.

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Always put something in the collection plate.

Turn enemies into friends by doing something nice for them.

Remember that a good example is the best sermon.

Don't let weeds grow around your dreams.

Don't take good friends, good health, or a good marriage for granted.

Pray. There is immeasurable power in it.

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Never ignore evil.

Earn your success based on service to others, not at the expense of others.

Never let the odds keep you from pursuing what you know in your heart you were meant to do.

Never be too busy to meet someone new.

Remember that life's most treasured moments often come unannounced.

Become the world's most thoughtful friend.

Rebuild a broken relationship.

Protect your enthusiasm from the negativity of others.

Never resist a generous impulse.

Don't live with the brakes on.

i must say i did some of them, there's more to it :)

So...

two things on my mind. future. and now.
&WHAT gave us a reality check today, I need to switch my focus now. I need to get to Columbia or Academy of Arts. Seriously. I really want to go to Columbia. SCHOLARSHIPS! i'm a broke ass kid. and a job :)

on the side.
i finally finished scion, and man do i feel like shit. i am so tired and in pain right now. finally it's over i'm on a break, forced somewhat on it. hah, like today i said i'd work the weddings if no one touches by wed. and i get a fuck no. lol so random. seriously. then i had to ask for a two week break cause next week would be another work week. newspaper, yearbook, and contest.

what was messed up was a few weeks ago i was crying that i couldn't edit this. i try my best and i didn't get the job, like unfair. but somehow it ended up doing it i got what i asked for.

asfdnkasjfalsbncnewg 5f asdl;fkjae rjasfl asfsadft;trewalfgrfsdaf afsdf dgkogijeg
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! >___<

7:41 pm

and i'm still in school working on scion.
i'm so tired, i can't wait for this to be over.
still got homework and yearbook to worry about.
shit.

edit...
so i got home around 10ish, Rams actually came to the door and apologized to my mother for having me work. I thought I wasn't going to cry and have a meltdown. I had one when Daniel called. I started bawling. I am so tired, but still have Scion (I'm not a very good editor) Homework which needs to be done or &WHAT will kill me, she already bugs me about it, my mom, and yearbook layout... and pretty soon newspaper again. I just hope it will end soon.

Back to Scion...

Break,

So due to the amount of stress and overkill from last term, slowly winding down. after this week hopefully it'll be all good. I realized today, it's me... I needed to T.U.L.E. all the businesses is on my plate. Didn't help not bringing the hard drive, I got the hints all day to work on it... surprisingly I never freak out like I usually do.

Today was the assembly, Gemel forgot to confirm the photographer for Jeff so the man didn't show up. Ramiscal tried to help us out, but it didn't work out. Ms. Q made announcements, saved my butt from being booed off stage. The rest was scrambling to get everything set up.

Then first period random questions. Like really random.
So Daniel and I had this LOLz moment... rice cooker at lunch.
4th period worked on Scion, still feel guilty about yearbook.
Afterschool, got 2/3 project grad tapes log & cap :) whoooo!
Chilled with Jelli and Gemel while I waited for it.
Then left school with Gemel and we ate at Elm's Korean BBQ.
Saw 3 tranvesties.
Visted Jeffry.
Got the voicemail I needed to hear.
Got home and been editing scion ever since.

I feel a little bit accomplished today :) YAY ME!

I still need to jump on it with yearbook, I have been neglecting it. Then again I'm not into yearbook cause I feel out of the loop, but then again maybe I put myself there. Regardless I need to get my act together, pretty soon things should start balancing out.

Goal for the remainder of the week:
Tomorrow:
1. Edit as much as I can
2. Work with Jasmine
3. Battle Mr. Cheng
4. Depends on how well period 2 went
Afterschool: EDIT EDIT EDIT

as always never get in HM way...
haha.

I'm starting to dislike blogger, I don't like a out of no where trend.

:'(

Friends are relatives you make for yourself.

I LOVE THEM! I HONESTLY LOVE THEM! THEY SAVED ME SO MANY TIMES, THEY'VE DONE SO MUCH FOR ME... I DON'T THINK THERE IS NO WAY I COULD EVER REPAY THEM FOR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE FOR ME. I LOVE THEM! IT WOULD HURT TO SEE THEM GET HURT. I CAN TALK TO THEM, KNOWING THEIR LISTENING, KNOWING THEY CARE. I KNOW THEY DO. THEY ARE MY SECOND FAMILY, NO JOKE!

ILOVETHEMANDWOULDDOANYTHINGFORTHEMNOJOKEAFTEREVERYTHNG.

today,

nice way to end fall break procrastinating and yogurtland, getting high off hawaiian air. and de-virginizing my hair. peace, and to my best friend take it easy :)

JC

you fucker you scared me, to the point where i was about to shit bricks.
hope you are feeling better. i love you brah, you are like a brother
fuck you are my brother. get better, and don't stress on shit. i'll do the stressing
you calm your ass down. love you.

--AWEAR!

HURT :(

cracking up reading that post secret.

anyways... to make this short and sweet
I FEEL SO HURT RIGHT NOW & SHOCKED
and Jeffry is the only person that knows, because I told him.
HINT: it does not have to deal with that certain guy, nope.
look down at my other blog for a 2nd hint.

1 week & the H3

I have 1 week, I have given myself 1 week to finish all my stuff :) why am I in a rush?...
So yesterday I asked Ramiscal if he would write my recommendation letter. To my surprise he told me no... haha not until I finish my stuff. So I gave myself a week to:
-Upload and cut 2 more scion tapes
-Log and capture Project Grad 2008 and put it on the hard drive
-Fix BBG
-Burn 1 wedding and transfer one on the hard drive
-A feature
HOLY CRAP!
my motivation that recommendation and not having to clean that stupid middle room, that's covered in paint that I never sprayed

PLUS homework from my AP classes.

So last night was the football game. Campbell v. Kalaheo @ Kailua. That was thee most interesting game I have ever been to. The Kalaheo cheerleaders were laughed at. There almost was a fight between two women. The game was interesting, the fumbles. The turn overs. The ride there was an experinece. The mountains look unreal at night driving on the H3.

By the way did you know that right below the H3 is site where ancient hawaiian women and men lived. going towards Kaneohe on the left side is the men and on the right is the women. I learned so much. Pretty cool experience.

Found out news about my grandfather...

Change of Plans:

Thursday: Was a beach day, JUST WHAT I NEEDED. I miss the beach :( I did attend EBNB, it actually ended early, again :)

Friday: Workday all day. Football game

Saturday: Workday part 2. Community Service!

Sunday: Kayla's birthday.

So right now I have two schools in mind. I really want to go to one school CCC (the last two C's do not stand for community or city college.) It's a whole different time zone and everything. I think it would be really nice to go there. Like I really want to, but I get that it's super far and I would be lonely. I don't know :( I really want to!

Next school is AAU, closer. The bay area! I wanted to go there since I was little but I don't know. The tuition is higher.

Third option, online classes? for a year. Work on the side.

STUPID JERK

THOUGHTLDESS
SELF CENTERED
LAZY
NO GOOD FOR NOTHING
STUPID
INSECURE
IRKING
SELF CENTERED!
SON OF A BITCH
PATHETIC
SELFISH
SCUM BUCKET
SCUM BAG
JERK
EGOTISTIC
BASTARD
BITCH
INCONSIDERATE
HEARTBREAKING
SELF ABSORBED
VAIN

PAIN IN MY ASS!
>:( YEA I SAID YOUR ALL THAT!

Fall Break: Agenda

Tomorrow my mom's leaving, she's going to a reunion in Vegas. I'm attending a council meeting, my first post-council meeting. Then helping with the newspaper. Afterwards I hope to catch up on some homework

Thursday plan is, Jeff and I get together to turn 10 hours of break dancing, and a fabulous car show into 20 minutes. Then filming Ewa Beach Neighborhood Board.

Friday some time with my cousin or homework time. Then maybe football game?

Saturday community service with my cousin. Then I don't know

Sunday Kayla's party.

Fall Break Part 3

Today I got a wake up call from Jeffry, 6:20 in the morning, telling me he couldn't make it. I got ready, and called my older cousin. She told me some things about our family, that I just can't believe. I'm still in shock, that's how distant my family is, we all live under one zip code but live separate lives, the only time we get together is on the holidays, and even then not everyone comes. The Ramiscals picked me up and we went to school had to upload scion on to a hard drive. The babies were there, and boy oh boy is Sage a cutie :) in the car she was playing with those leapstart frog dolls, and it said I love you, so she picked it up and hugged it or something. When we arrived at school she walked into a different classroom and said "hi boy." to a little boy. While I was waiting for things to upload we were drawing on the boards, and she knows her alphabets... smart friendly cute kid :) hawwww super cute! Well then afterwards my cousin picked me up from school, and we ran some errands.

10hours=20minutes=10minutes OHSHAAA!

Finally home, and so tired. I need to do some chores, my mom wants her house super squeeky clean before she leaves to Vegas. She's on a reunion trip, somewhat. She's preping food for me to eat for a week :) pasta and all them goodies. Doubt I will eat it all, well back to cleaning.

So finished cleaning, I vacuumed, did the laundry, dust the house, cleaned the toilets. Hecka Productive today, KUDO's for me! & had a yummy baked manapua :)

Fall Break Part 2

I woke pretty early this morning considering it's fall break, 6:30. Been up ever since and boy am I bored. So bored been bugging Jeffry today, he shut himself from the world? I don't know about that one. Jeff picked me up and I left my house. The scene though at my departure. My mother and her best friend from high school were cutting the grass my cousins pulled up in a blue truck with a bag full of brownies, I'm running in and out of my house. Chaotic.

At Jeff's house, we did pretty much what I would have been doing. Tweaking it on youtube haha, we are lame. We were so bored we called Rams... So Jeff told me yeah try call Rams he won't pick up, I said he never pick up cause it was him calling (I was joking of course) and I bet Jeff that Rams would pick up my call. The man never. Jeff was laughing in my face, then I told him if Rams don't pick up my call then he usaully calls back within 5 minutes, ope 1 minute after got the call! Jeff and I being geeks volunteered to come in tomorrow.

We were watching Wong Fu, I love their videos so inspiring frick. ASIAN PRIDE! Which brought us to this anti smoking video, which was pretty hillarious. That brought us to this site xoutcig.com pretty cool site, I'm going to enter the graphic contest ^__^. If you check out you'll see this pretty neat flash site, that took Jeff 10 minutes to figure out it was a desk! LMFAO!

Then when I got home, my mother wanted to watch a movie. We went to the cheapest theater Wallace, $1 movie. Not bad, catch up on the ones I missed. We ended up watching When was the last time you've seen your dad? Britsh movie so called foreign with Colin Firth (Bridget Jones Diary, Love Acutally) Pretty cute movie, some parts were boring. Overall message was love your daddy no matter what.

Fall Break

so after a whole week of scrambling, a whole week of homecoming, ganir, and bbg. i finally getting a break! one week :) means a whole lot to me. busy busy bee. well sort of. Wednesday got to work on newspaper and Thursday got EBNB (volunteered on that one).

goals for the break. start on my college stuff. finish Ms. Tanka's and Cheng's work. get some R and R. Make up for summer break. Clean.

goals for the term, get the grades. work on getting to college. learn how to say no. build that confidence i lack. stand my ground without being an NAB.

current project learn adobe illustrator. basic photography. if my trial didn't expire already, maybe after effects.

taking a toll on me

Dear Darla,
I hate your stinking guts.
You make me vomit.
You're scum between my toes!

Love, Alfalfa.
PS YOU AINT WORTH IT.

highlight of today was watching a movie with my home girl Daniel. Nick and Norah's Infinite Play list was funny and cute :) some parts got cheesy. over all I LOVED IT!
i got the laptop back & i feel super embarrassed -__- over something i said.

I NEVER HAD A MELTDOWN!

yeah me :)

and i donated blood today!

feeling good.

Aii you look handsome today.

Get a life dude, picking on kids like that.

anyways, beta beta gamma today. i just hope i don't have another melt down. i already totaled 9 so far (according to me) jeffry said i had more then 10 less then 20. boy oh boy. i think i've done my share i need to wind down a little. need to be on it with the yearbook!

Last Day

of September and I beat last months blog count.
double the amount, supposedly waiting for stuff to do.
I'm getting sleepy already. Oh wells.
Homecoming week is super bad,
our class lost 50 points today all because of mother mother.

Sheesh when you read mother mother or see it written it don't bug yo but if you hear MOTHER MOTHER in a song in which you can assume they mean MOTHER FUCKER you hear MOTHER FUCKER, anyways the boys did do wrong regardless. Not getting salty over it.

I think I got ADD, I get distracted so easily.
BATMAN!