I'm dying of frustration, confusion, everything. I can't stand it I want to punch a wall. I want to hit something. I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!

Got home on Monday. To be honest, I don't remember ever being in Los Angeles. I can't recall a single day. It felt like I was in a deep sleep and I just woke up. It's just weird. I'm dreading the day I need to go back, but I need to stay strong! FIGHTING!

If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay.

It has been a while since I could jot down a note that is actually meaningful. It's almost time to fly home yet I'm not excited as I hoped to be. Before I was so excited I counted down the days and dreamed about boarding the plane. Hearing "we will be reaching our destination shortly..." Now it seems like I am no longer in the mood to go. I don't know what it is. Everything is fine. Relationships (friendships, family, etc.) is fine. Everything is fine. I'm in the single digit count down and yet I feel sad. Is that normal? Someone tell me.

Maybe I'm scared and I'm a coward. That something will occur that will make me regret coming home. Then I'll end up regretting regretting that I wanted to come home. It's complicated.

Well as of today I have 6 more glorious days! 4 more days of school. I regret not flying out on Sunday.

Have I been so accustomed to summing up my day in 140 characters or less. Damn that's a shame. I use to blog ideas and personal growth. It seems now I'm too tired, or lazy. Not in the mood. What a shame. A wasted mind. Damn.

Winter break I was looking forward to some good eats. Hiking. QT with family and friends. Honestly going to church with you. Idk if that last request is going to happen.

Last day of CAS so happy :) fo' real! Awww she gave us cookies <3 today was a good day indeed.

Look what I've done. Look what I've done. He was right. He was right. All along. This whole thing was a lie. It started off real but then that feeling faded quickly. It was over and done with a long time ago but I hung on. I didn't want to let it go. He already did. I backed him up in a corner and locked him up. He never cared he just did things to please me. TO please everyone. If he had hated me reacted the way he should of what will have people thought of him. This asshole hurting a girl that gave him everything he asked. That's another way I cornered him I LOVED him so much I did everything and used it against him. I used it against him. If I loved him I wouldn't need to expect anything in return right? Last night my room mate made me realize how much I hurt him. I turned on the TV and it happened again. Went to bed. Woke up again and again. I can't do this to him, you know? SO this Christmas that's my gift to him and to myself.

Wife Woman Friend Part 1 - Dana Gilmore

i guess i shouldnt be surprised that my beginning was his end, afterall we were just friends,but in my world i was his girl,so i would pretend to be his wife , sayin shyt like"its only so many years in a womans life". right. so i gave him 3.and yet he still had the audacity to step to me on this "donnell jones i dont know where i wanna be" type shit.yo, it wasnt supposed to b like this. he hit me with the forehead kiss. told me life was a journey and he was ready to "explore this shit".and i was pissed.to me he was a hypocrit like a fake preacher in the pulpit and he left me sick. and no he didnt choose me but that doesnt make him right nor wrong. and just because he was the epitome of my life doesnt make me wrong nor right. like i said i was his friend . not his wife .and i shouldv'e acted within that capacity.and maybe then this breakup wouldve been "just one of those things" instead of a fuckin tragedy. and all that time i spent mad at him. hell, i shoulda been mad at me. afterall i was the one that gave him a key to my house and let him hang clothes in my closet just in case we go out. not to mention washin his dirty clothes just to "make a full load". and let him finish off the leftovers just so the food dont go cold. for the times when we raw-dogged cus he lost all the rubbers. and tho i should him more support than his own father,brother,sister, and mother.and just cause those same people dial my number when they tryin to get in touch. and he recieves mail at my address just cause he be here so much. got total control of the remote control to the tv,dvd, and radio.and even though his name is not on my lease, got shit in my house thats off limits to me. like his side of my bed, and his stash of weed. but none of this obligates him to me. because not once did we exchange vows. and if i knew then what i know now.i probably woulda listened when said it was some shit he had to get up out his system, but see i was too busy bitchin jumpin back like i was gon hit him...cause in the back of my mind, all i could fatham was how much i was gon miss him. but just because im cryin,ya'll, doesnt mean that im the victim.just means i was too scared to let him go cus some other chick might get him.and that was my fault cus that was my decision. i shouldve never put my heart in my minds position. but i couldnt shake him he was like a bad habit. and im doin all this for a nigga that was just average. doin average nigga shit.

I simply liked tumblr because of the funny quotes, amazing graphics, amazing photos, good music. It seems quite obvious more than ever that many tumblr blogs are self promotion or about love. For me in my current state I think it's healthy to strain from that. I'm so tired now I could crash but I'm waiting for Silla and need to study. Events occurred tonight that made it quite clear. From a different perspective and I realized so much. I'm done for real now. It's a long time coming. I honestly can't go on hurting this person, for my selfish reasons. I'm growing up I guess.

- fin. drawing and comp
- fin. liberals
- fin. form & space (wood)

The semester is almost over and I'm just excited to come and go home you know? As much as I hate to admit it, it kind of felt great being here. Feels like I'm growing up. It feels, not saying I'm grown up I still need my parents and support. I've enjoyed this whole new experience and mos' def have grown as an artist. I use to complain about studio classes, but I'm finding them enjoyable. Sure some people dabble straight into what they need. Where is the foundation though you know? The core, the basics to lay all their creative stuff on? Well it's been a difficult bittersweet couple of months. I'm looking forward to hoppin' on that plane. Get to some place familiar and good eatin'

Hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart heed my warning
You've been wrong before

- Feelin' this song.

I've been fighting for something that isn't there. I don't know why. Unconditionally I'm in a unrequited relationship. I don't know. I don't know. I'm tried of hurting. Beating myself up. If you don't call thanks. I know what that means. Goodbye. I'm tired of fighting. I'm only blogging just to keep my mind clear. To take this burden off, but it's not working. My mind is off.

I need a pick me up. I haven't been feeling good emotionally. It's so annoying. I hate this. It's 3 more weeks till I come home, and I should be happy right? I should be excited? Now it feels like I'm just doing things just to get by, that's horrible I can't have that happening. I'm thinking about transferring to another school. Parsons? maybe. At least there's room and board. I don't know I have to think it over.

201 (minus the 0 equal days left)

Happy Holidays. Took this picture last year at Honolulu City Lights. 21 days I can't wait to go to the beaches, eat gooood food, and just chill. Oh joy oh joy :D! Well I'm awake and have class at 12. I just hate how long it is. Walking home late tonight, I hate that.

Maybe being here made me a little stronger. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I really need to go see a doctor and find out if I really do have depression. It's not pathetic it's real.

200.

I'm at the apartment now. This sadness and depression is rolling over me, and now more than ever do I need it to go away. I can't live with this anchor, it's stopping me from living my life. They say it's all in the head. That back then there was no such thing, but I honestly believe that I am suffering from depression.

In other news, I'm giving up... this time I can do it. I'm promising myself. No longer.

I've blogged in here so much why not keep it up right?! Although there's a huge Gap between the last date I blogged and now... gaaah well not much graduation, grad parties, california, homesick, korean bbq, pretty much it LOL!

Well today Daniel Lisa and I pretty much took a drive to a different world. It was amazing, like we couldn't believe our eyes. It looked fake. We went to Big Bear to play in snow. The snow to us was a whole different element and we just adventured into it. It was so much, but so damn cold. In the end we spent a good 4 hours and ended with Vietnamese Pho mmmm so damn good.

I think I'm getting sick, damn! Can't afford anymore absences.

I miss home, it hurts right now. I'm debating if I should just go home for college or find a different school. I would regret it so much, but it's better for the family I guess.

I treat you as a friend
and after so many years
you treat me like I'm not even there!
I hate you
you bastard for making me
get all emotional like this
I hate you
you bastard for making me cry
I hate
the fact I'd be there for you
EVEN after all this
EVEN after everything
but you wouldn't for me.
:'(
I can't keep up this smile any longer. No I can't. I ain't about to break down and cry too. Nope. Am I ok? Far from it. I'm hurt and I feel pathetic for feeling this way. Hurt! I should be MAD I AM MAD. I don't give a fuck anymore. Couple months and we're off. You always wanted it this way. It's always been about you. YOU always care what other people think. When we both know it ain't anything more. YOU care what others think. BUT you never considered my feelings. AFTER EVERYTHING. You told me yourself. That YOU CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK! Even that letter from RETREAT that one time was a bunch of BULL! Still is. You always treated others better then me. I ask you a favor. NO. Someone else ask you the same favor. OH SURE! YOU DID THAT TO ME THREE TIMES THIS PAST WEEK! I treat you like a person, you treat me like a no body. Never EVER EVER did you return the favor. NEVER did. It always been about you. BEFORE you made me wait for you, for two hours. Only to find out you already left on another bus. SO MUCH SHIT! You should already know. ASSHOLE!
:'(
I'd be there for you
EVEN after all this
EVEN after everything
but you wouldn't for me.
:'(
:'(
:'(

School tomorrow not looking forward to *IT she thinks I'm a liar now. GREAT! Hah! Well this week looking back at it, I needed it. I needed to be in a different environment. Now that I am, I'm not sure if I ever want to go back. I spent this whole year apart from my friends. Been so busy with so much. I had my fill. I had enough bullshit. Well I'm pretty tired. I'm off.

this week.

was one of the better weeks i had in a long time. i miss my friends. i miss that feeling. i've been missing it for a while. fuck everything else.

LIST

English:
Tale of Two Cities Essay
Read Poems Analyze and Reflect
**AP SAMPLE ESSAY (start on)

Copy math notes
Write a letter

Update Resume
Recommendation Letters
Outline Portfolio
**UPLOAD (start on)

AND IF GET TIME...
STN Interview Questions
Begin Article
Start Scrap Book

It's been two years since you left. It was for the better. Sorry I didn't visit often. I love you.

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

I don't like Miley Cyrus's music but this song is an exception. It's the struggle, I'm facing it now. No one knows what's going on right now. For once I'm keeping it to myself and trying to battle it by myself.

A simple realization...

When we were in Florida I received the bad news that I did not receive the Gates Scholarship. Dejected, I attempted to talk to my teacher. I will not disclose the contents of our conversation, but I will discuss one thought that enlightened me. I can't quote word for word but basically, the conversation was about my generation versus generations before. The idea that my generation, that people my age has been so consumed by convenience. That we fail to see the consequences, until it's staring us right in the face. I guess that's where the sense of urgency is derived from consequences. With such convenience and sugar coating from both school and home, individuals do not realize the real world. We think we can grasp an idea of how life works, but we all lack the experience. High school will end. Life moves on. Drama. Is a memory. Stress/Work. Builds character. Low points. Opportunity to rise. That's that. Enough.

I personally have lost my mind and socially incline. I have no self confidence. I don't got the courage to stand my own ground. How long will I go on saying this to myself. It's enough with the self realizations and on with action. How long will I go on saying this to myself.

Be the change you you want to see in the world. Love thy neighbor as oneself. Words quoted over and over and over again. It's an unwritten rule. Main point YOU! It all starts with the individual. You want something to happen, you want a reaction, an answer, you need to pose take action, set the trigger, and pose the question!

Honestly...
HOW LONG?

RANDOM QUOTES... PRETTY CHEESY

I don`t know what I want to do with my life. I just know I want to do it. I want to see the world. I want to meet every single person breathing on this earth. I want to give everyone a hug or a handshake, & I want to make someone`s life a little easier. I want to be different than the people I know because that`s what makes us beautiful. I want to be absolutely ridiculous before I die. I don`t want regrets. I want to stand for something.

Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
-- Thomas Paine

The important thing is not to be bitter over life`s disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won`t be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it`s only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home.

Random Day

My cousin woke me up this morning. Her and her boyfriend kid napped me and took me off roading to Kaena Point. First we made a stop at Waihiwa for some breakfast and then went off. At Kaena Point we helped a couple get their car out of the mud. It was stuck. Lucky thing my cousin's boyfriend is a nice guy. They paid him. That funded our shave ice and my Cheetos. Ouuuuweee. He's a nice guy :D! Got home and took a nap. Woke up my mom was bitching about a million things as always. Then went to Ala Moana, so she could run and I could walk along the beach. I had a story board running through my head for the JCHS DVD. Hahaha DORK! Made a pit-stop at Wal-Mart. Then went home :) My mom was getting ready to go out with her girls. Ugh! Once again yelling at the top of her lungs to help her. To help her with her hair and everything. If she asked nicely I would be happy to do it, that never happens. Next thing you know her friend needs someone to babysit her 4 yr old cause the elder daughters went out. (NOTE they are the same age as me). My mom asked if I would babysit. Just so my mom could get out of the house and relax with her friends I agreed to do so. The kid is cute, he is super well behaved. He was bouncing off walls. Once Mulan came on his but was glued to the seat. He then played with his playstation w/e. And then all of the sudden he gets up, runs up the stairs, and comes back down with this adorbale face. With tears in his eyes asking for his teddy bear. Apparently the room is locked. I called his mother, and he was talking to her. It was so cute. He then tells me I need a qtip. I got him his teddy and now he's trying to sleep. Peace of cake. ;D!

I can't take this any more

It seems my existence only caused you pain, for that I'm sorry. Remember be responsible for your own actions. For your action affect many. Your action your consequence. I just ask you don't burden me and my sister any longer.

North Shore

I paid a visit to my favorite place in the world, North Shore. From Mokuleia to Waialua to Haleiwa to Waimea. My greatest childhood memories are tied with the North Shore, to me the place is timeless. Sure a couple things changed, but the atmosphere all the same. In Mokuleia I remember camping with my aunties, uncles, and cousins the year my parents divorced. Staying up past 1am was a accomplishment. Snorkeling. Eating. Talking and Joking around with my older cousins. Then transferring to a beach house, throwing a huge party. Drinking fruit punch pretending it was wine. Seeing a Honu and playing Volleyball :D! In Waialua, I was still pretty young but I remember that sugar cane mill that was not too far from the gym, where my cousins and I would play basketball for PAL. Playing against some sexist boys, mad we were girls. Later on getting even and befriending them. Haleiwa to Waimea the beaches were my playground, didn't matter if the waves were two times bigger than me. Shark's Cove where I fell into the water, rocksand (roxanne), jumping off the rocks, getting tiny cuts all over my foot. Deathly afraid on sea urchins ( idk how to spell the other term for it). Watching the sunset, wishing the day never ended. I miss it, and I made it my mission to spend some part of my summer in the North Shore :)!

randomness...

so recently my friend myra got accepted to University of San Fransisco a.k.a. USF and announces it to all of us. my other friend, dalie amazed and happy that her friend got accepted says ecstatically "OMG MYRA YOU GOT ACCEPTED INTO UFC?!" if you don't know UFC: ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPION. Caitlin or was it Daniel responds "yeah Myra feather belt division?"

i was invited into a chat room, where we were discussing STN. 13 SP students and 2 SM students, 13 people talking all at once can you imagine? WHO IS THIS WHOSE WHO CHANGE YOUR PICTURE MEETING TOMORROW WHO IS AHNDIWEAR WHAT WAS HOMEWORK How crazy is that?!

My friend Gemel calls pretending he doesn't know what music is playing in the background. He continues to ignore what's playing on purpose as I get all flabbergasted. The lyrics to the background music LICK IT NOW LICK IT GOOD... LADIES POP YOUR *AHEM! ANYWAYS, I question him what the hell is that in the background and repeat what I hear, as he begins to laugh hysterically.

Common, Simple, Beautiful

I think that's what scares me: the randomness of everything. That people could be so important to you might just pass you by. Or you pass them by. How did you know? I felt that by walking away I was abandoning him, that I spent my entire life, day after day, abandoning people. I realize it makes no sense to feel that and yet never make any attempt to interact with people, but I am beginning to think life is full of these tragic incongruities.

-Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You by Peter Cameron

"When looking for faults use a mirror, not a telescope."
-Unknown


“I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.”

-Maya Angelou

My little sister did a history paper on her :)

Up

2 hours of sleep
surviving on
coffee and monster
caffeine overdose!

Dear People,

Dost thou love life?
Then do not squander time,
for that is the stuff life is made of.
Benjamin Franklin

The geat blessing of mankind are within us and within our reach; but we shut our eyes, and like people in the dark, we fall foul upon the very thing we search for, without finding it.
Seneca
(7 B.C. - 65 A.A.)

WORD.

:) i love quotes.

DEAR FRIEND,

To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart. Anger is only one letter short of danger. If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; if he betrays you twice, it is your fault. Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. He who loses money, loses much; he who loses a friend, loses much more; he who loses faith, loses all. Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. Friends, you and me... You brought another friend... and then there were three... We started our group... Our circle of friends... Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift that's what they call it the present.
--Eleanor Roosevelt

WORD.
this is not towards anyone in particular. intended for the general reader.

a good day. a very good day indeed. optimistic view on life is not so bad.

honestly, i don't know you anymore. bye.

you and your wife can kiss my ass. care? you the one who left me! you idiot you left me! left me and you talk about growing up! i had to grow up when i was nine and you mock my mom! my mom for all the times she pulled it together. all the times she wanted to break down and cry... even die! and you talk about caring. "why should i give a shit? what do i get from you?" i'm not a fucking investment i'm your daughter. i swallowed my pride and called you and your wife and wished you a happy valentines day. when i heard your wife was in the hospital i called and asked if everything was ok!!!!! why i don't like to see you? why i refuse to get into the car? because once i get in i get treated like shit. i get forgotten, aunty sally comes first. then you just throw your temper at me get all dissapointed at me?! for no damn reason. at least when mom is mad she has reason, frustrated from all the burden you put on us when you left. so fuck you, you go to PI over the summer only telling me a day before you leave. You go to NY in the fall telling me a day before you leave?! fuck you. there are so many reason why i hate you and i'm trying to forgive really am trying but you make it hard.

past two days:

• Went to Loco Moco with Jeff
• Went to school working on yearbook/slideshow
• Teachers were wondering why we were there
• Sold candy to them after being taught the ways of a salesperson from Ms. Tanaka
• Was the prom queen, with a tie
• Went to photoshoot at the beach and park while waiting for stuff to burn
• Jeff and Jordan in front of my house
• Went with Jordan and played ball with Edison Sherwin Erin Justin
• Went to Wal-Mart with them to find lights. FAIL.
• Went to Jordan's house, light painted in his backyard
• Superman, Dragonball Z and random things
• Sherwin dropped me home

NEXT DAY:
• Called Gemel talked for a while
• Went to Zippy's with my mommy
• Dalie fighting to be my cashier haha
• A zip pack a chilli chicken mixed plate later we were done
• Went to pick up Jeffry
• Stuck in traffic went to Lexie's first birthday party
• Helped the ol' man set up well technically he was helping us
• Watched Bungee the clown and played the slideshow
• Have you ever been in love was killing me, made the parents cry with the slideshow
• Clean up, ol' man was talking Filipino it was so weird but interesting
• Loaded the car "My last command go eat" I was very hesitant to do so as well as Jeff
• I got cake with white frosting and sprinkles ontop with chicken that Jeff grabbed
• Jumped into the ol' man's car like an illegal immigrant LETS GO CHICO!
• Shared a conversation with thee cutest almost 3 year old baby girl
• Went to Waikele, noticed Jamba cards in our goodie bag. Used them.
• Orange Dream and Matcha Green Tea THICK WITH EXTRA ICE
• Photography books at the "library"
• Mom picked us up and dropped us off at shoreline
• Semi photoshoot and talk session?
• Plans for light painting formed
• Daniel picked Jeff and I up
• JAMBA JORDANS WAL MART MICKEY D'S LONGS
• BLUE LED LIGHT and NUTTER BUTTER
• Dropped Jeff and Erin home
• WAIKELE STARBUCKS
• Met up with Justin
• Fail ATTEMP at Sports Authority
• MANAGERS
• Flashing lights
• Jordans Place
• Videos
• Jack In The Box
• Light painting intro
• Edison dropped me off
• Edit a little
• Sleep

Moving at the speed of light into eternity..

right now out with sherwin jordan justin edison light painting at jordans place
damn it's cold shizz brb


later, just woke up. i got home about 1. pretty amazing light painting :D we were watching some videos on vimeo, people in Europe dang! No life I swear or they do it for a living. So last night after meeting up at several destinations and Justin's instincts on the bridge. We went back to Jordans place and all started a video. All intro and a few things with Justin.

This week got to film! Got to get videos working. It's like a video a day this week. 7 total for youth exchange and hmsa. CHEE hella excited. Everything MUST go according to plan I hope. Ok peace.

Ordinary People...

Am I living the Ordinary People music video? Today I witnessed 3 fights. First was my bestfriend and I then my neighbors was fighting Father v. Daughter and lastly my mom and my dad.

Scene 1:
I HATE how everyone assumes I like him and stuff like that, I HATE that the assumptions lead him to believe I still like him. I HATE how in school he's a jerk to me, but at home it's ok, all because of what other people think. I HATE how he lets that bother him.

Scene 2:
They were screaming at the top of their lungs that all the surrounding neighbors garage lights went on. Poor mother was in between.

Scene 3:
My little sister caught in between my parents.

It's a habbit...

I finally forced myself to read to chapter 3, I can proudly say I have not used sparknotes yet. I really want to learn Illustrator and AE asap. I'm still trippin' how that one girl 1uped me in a day. A day! Then again I'm flattered that our stuff wowed her and inspired her to create her own stuff. I was watching typography videos with Sherwin after after after school. I just want to tweak already! Anyways.

I got a habbit for useless blogs
speaking of habbits.

Once I get on the computer.
I make 4 tabs
I sign in to Facebook
then Gmail
then Myspace
then Blogger
then Flickr
then watch youtube videos.

random day

went to church with gemel today and when we were leaving the parking lot we saw this inconsiderate man just run over a cone, it was stuck under his car for a while. idiot.

so cute my driver hahaha ;)

so today was pretty random, i woke up thinking i got a list of chores but my mom was all upset with my sister, ended up at church. went to eat at sushi robot then sams club. then i went home. my cousin and jeff called me at the same time. cousin asking if i wanted to head to the beach, and jeff asking me about his camera. fixed jeff's camera and got trigger happy. went to church with gemel again don't ask. i was still camera trigger happy. so been editing and taking pics all day long.

*hmph

Always seem to be on the run. We haven't spoken in so long. We can't get past the how are you. We're not talking like we used to.

I really do miss those days.
;( but busy busy busy.
whoever said senior year would
be one of the best years
of your life
I ought to slap them.

*)*&&@(%#^ (figure that one)

i'm sorry i told you how i saw it. i've been keeping that in the whole week. but i'm tired of seeing you beating yourself up over a person. sorry that person meant a lot. but now your upset with me? i've been your friend since sophomore year. i struggle to find the words, to comfort you. i'm sorry i'm not much help like everyone else, but i tried -___- you know how frustrating that is, wanting to help someone so bad, but you don't know what to say, trying to avoid hurting their feelings? i've been your friend for a long time and i still can't comfort you after what you've done for me :( i never ever ever ever will be upset with you, i will never ever ever ever ever ever be upset because your sad, that's stupid. if you think i was mad when i told you all that i wasn't in my mind i was trying to say it as nice as possible. i had to sign off abruptly honest to god. when i did sign back on you weren't online. i love you, don't i tell you that everyday? i'm sorry.

Hot & Cold Yes & No Up & Down Wrong & Right...

Today was a pretty ok day, we didn't have a so called pop quiz in trigonometry. Third period either no one understood or no one got the webnote on Tale of Two Cities, no one got punished. Instead we were given the opportunity to purchase the book that has notes in the back of it. 4th period helped whoever, trying install leopard. "brainless" work again -___-. After school burned a football game, helped jordan with his edit, trying to fricken install something. the ol' man was off his rocker.

looking at the weekend i got to read 6 chapters, answer question. fix my psych paper and handout. portfolio!!! start slideshow. clean the house.

This morning i was very upset. When I got home, he made me even more mad. Then I called him with a speech prepared, but then he did this thing and I forgot why I was even mad. Stupid. Started talking about Science Fair and his day and my day. Stupid. He's such a geek I swear. Stupid. Then he had to drive for his mommy and promise to call back later. Stupid.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

I found out near the end of third period that we needed to read 5 chapters of Tale of Two Cities. I can't get past the first couple of pages. fail.

Line

Phone Line
Calls me, I call him back .We're on the phone say Hi, what you doing. Both doing homework. He's doing calculus. I'm editing. We don't talk just. Then after 5 minutes of silence then "i'll call you back". We don't.

Morning
I'm coming now. Ok. 5 min later he comes. Drop off his brother and cousin. Clear the throat. Look at him, he looks back through mirror. Parking lot. Bell rings got to go.

Lunch
In front of G building he's heading towards the office. I head toward J.

3rd Period
He clears his throat. I look. He looks. I look away. Repeat. Mouth YOUR FACE. I get up take his pencil. He just throws out his hand. I tease him, doesn't work. Give back. Do work. 4th period.


LAME LAME LAME!

(QUICK BREAK)Good Morning Sabers...

This is your student morning bulletin. I'm happy and satisfied with how things are running. So much problems in the first half of the year and now things are finally coming together. Broadcast is awesome, our yearbook is awesome, newspaper got a major cosmetic surgery. I'm such a geek. This feeling, is what I've been waiting for, as lame as that sounds. Since it's a semi new month, 5 days late no matter. GOALS! Raise the grades raise it so I can get a 3.5 on my cumulative. Learn Illustrator and AE :)!

it's all good in the neighborhood.

Survey says...

BASICS:
001. Real name? - Ahndiana Flores
002. Nickname(s)? - ahndimohala, ahndiwear, ahndi, ahnz, awear, gaina (don't ask -__-)
003. Relationship Status? - Single.
004. Zodiac sign? - Cancer
005. Male or Female? - Female
006. Elementary? - Holomua
007. Middle School? - 'Ilima
008. High School? - James Campbell HS
009. College? - Not yet but crossing my fingers on a few
010. Hair color? - Black
011. Long or short? - Short
012. Loud or Quiet? - Depends ;)
013. Favorite Genre? - Indie Rock
014. Favorite Band/Artist? - Beatles :)
015. Favorite Song? - Nothing in particular
016. Favorite Colour? - Red Black and White
017. Sweats or Jeans? - Jeans
018. Phone or Camera? - Camera
019. Health freak? - LOL! No
020. Drink or Smoke? - Neither
021. Do you have a crush on someone? - No
022. Eat or Drink? - Their both vital to my life
023. Piercing? - Ears
024. Tattoos? - None

FIRSTS:
025. First piercing? - When I was 2 on my ears
026. First best friend(s)? - Amanda C.
027. First award? - I forgot
028. First crush? - HAHAHAHA! NO!
029. First pet? - A dog, mans best friend
030. First big vacation? - PI
031. First big birthday? - 1st birthday

CURRENTLY:
032. Eating? - Nothing
033. Drinking? - Nothing
034. I'm about to? - Pull an all nighter
035. Listening to? - Nothing
036. Plans for today? - Homework, Tweak, Blog, Sleep
037. Waiting for? - Nothing

YOUR FUTURE:
038. Want kids? - Sure
039. Want to get married? - Yes
040. Careers in mind? - Art Director

WHICH IS BETTER IN A GIRL/BOY?
041. Lips or eyes? - Eyes
042. Shorter or taller? - Taller
043. Romantic or spontaneous? - Spontaneous
044. Nice stomach or nice arms? - It don't matter
045. Sensitive or loud? - Can I get a 50/50?
046. Hook-up or relationship? - Relationship
047. Trouble maker or hesitant? - Hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:
048. Lost glasses/contacts? - 20/20 vision BIA!
049. Ran away from home? - No
050. Held a gun/knife for self defense? - No
051. Killed somebody? - No
052. Broken someone's heart? - No
053. Been arrested? - No
054. Cried when someone died? - Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
055. Yourself? - Yes
056. Miracles? - Yes
057. Love at first sight? -
058. Heaven? - Yes
059. Santa Claus? - No
060. Sex on the first date? - Random, No.
061. Kiss on the first date? - I don't know?

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
062. Is there one person you want to be with right now? - No
063. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? - No
064. Do you believe in God? - No

065. Post as truths and tag. Tag 10 people: if I've tagged you that means I want to know more about you

Dear Friend I got 99 problems but a...

Dear Friend,
I've been your friend through thick and thin. You've been the person I can turn to, so there is no need to apologize. You committed no crime. It's my turn to return the favor and be the kind of friend you've been all along. Lean on me when your not strong, we all know that song. I love you. Now wipe up those tears and we'll figure this out.

Dear Friend,
I can't believe what I seen today. Don't think of it as a moment of weakness, we all are feeling that pressure got to let it out. In my case I've let it out wayyyy too much. I admire your ability to be strong and assertive. Your doing good, keep it up. Don't ever let others think your not good enough, you've made a huge turn around. This term, got to admit been good, minor set backs. It's not perfect but we're getting there all. Keep it up. & BTW Thank you so much.

Dear Friend,
I'm glad we are at peace. Yes there is things we need to talk out and I do agree with what your saying. Just be patient, don't keep it in. Literally speak out.

Dear Friend,
For a person so young you got a lot of wisdom. You seem to got your life in control, staying focus. I wish I had your determination and energy. All got our up and downs, but dang it's life. If life was smooth sailing we all end up like brats. Sometimes it's just a slap of reality. I don't got much to say, you probably got it all figured.

Dear Elder,
Now that is old. I've said this about 3-5 times to day but just so "you know" one day I won't flinch. I have no idea why I'm afraid of you after 2 years, but thank you for talking to me. Just like a father, boy oh boy your kids are lucky. Anyways Bring on the big tasks, bring the on the storm. I swear I am sane. If I cried at the very last minute last time over a mistake, pretty darn sure I'm ok next time around.

cause you had a bad day,

today was a bittersweet day. I cried, DAMN IT I CRIED! AGAIN! Ughh I thought I was doing good too. What hurt the most, was the fact he predicted it, he predicted I was going to freak out and cry. CRY! and i did! i wanted to prove everyone wrong that I could get through it without a tear, i wanted to prove it to myself. I was almost there, i was so damn sure I could do it. THEN I HAD TO CRY! being scolded? lectured? advised? again not fair not fair not fair. at least wasn't stress. ahndi again going on and on about crying, you don't know how much it means I wanted to keep my composure this time prove to myself I can do it. >____________<

in other news seems like everyone else is not having a good day.

we all are familiar with a bad day. it starts off as a normal day then WHAM! a problem leaks through, then another, then another, next thing you know your drowning in disappointment, stress, frustration. don't got no where to turn to, you try your best to bottle it up, your best not to wear it, your best not to let it get to you but in the end you pop. your attitude spills onto others, you didn't mean to. of course not it's all because you had a bad day you'll end up telling them after a day or two. then your stuck face looking down eyes full of tears and frustration both hands on your head as you pull at your hair and try to figure it all out, am i being punished? what did i do? why me?

well afterschool was ok, working with esther on our video waiting for jeff, watching the ol' man play with his iphone, trying to avoid the ol' man so we don't get work. talking to mary and sean briefly. then jeff came, i was scared >______< still am. then worked with esther and waited for her mom to grab us. then going to her house and eating pork chops and pinkabet(sp?). then home, homework, homework, homework -_____- and playing dr. phil.

My grandmother. I hate it when my aunties and uncles yell at her. I hate it when my cousins all of the sudden has a fake Filipino accent when they talk to her. My grandma and I have the same personality. She always helping others and hates fighting. She would swallow her pride, just to end an argument. When my grandfather was sick he would yell and throw things at her, but she would pick up the pieces. She stuck by him after he abused her, did drugs, and cheated on her. My grandma she always scolded me to clean the house, so my mother doesn't yell at Kelly and I. My grandmother is a free spirit, she hates being home. When she is at home she is cooking for her boys. You may see her on the bus, old lady with red/purple hair, jewelry, and 5 bags. Most likely if you sat by her she'd strike up a random conversation with you. The adventures on the bus, one day she came home, telling me about her adventures in China town. The next a bus route that took her around the island. She never let anything weigh her down. Yeah she's a little weird working at the clubs as a bathroom attendant, but I love her. PEACE :D

this contradict my belief about being a phony, for one i don't watch NFL football, only football i watch is high school football. i don't have a favorite team. i don't like watching sports. but superbowl is one way i get what i want from my bestfriend. been placing bets with him since sophomore year. this year the bet is about grad parties, no money involved because we both are broke. i don't ever pay attention to the game or the half time show. nope my joy is the commercials :)!

waiting. waiting. waiting. for jeff to get home so we can go out with the other two dancing queens. i got mail from CCA and OTIS, i still don't know which college to choose (if i get accepted). i got three schools on my mind: columbia college chicago, california college of art, and otis. i was looking at ccc as a different enviroment, so i can grow right get out of that comfort zone. cali college of art is in san fran, where jeff and esther is and otis same thing but in LA. so what do i choose comfort or not.

immoral,

I have a long weekend ahead of me, I have a lot on my plate, I just hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and a can of monster at the end. I haven't blogged much I've been too tired. School is ok, something about this term feels good, it's not because high school is going to be over. No things are starting to feel like how it should have been in the beginning, it feels like the summer. We all got along. My confidence is not all up, but hell I'm getting there, slowly getting there. If it wasn't for all those tears idk... but I will admit this year I learned more about myself then I ever thought possible.

Anyways looking at the weekend...
I've got a videos, portfolios, essays, and chores on my plate. Note everything ends with an "s" oh well another challenge I got to face. Insonmia I tell you, but the ol' man been supportive and everyone else. I love them. Man, they all saved me from myself bigtime, thank you.

So this weekend:
SATURDAY
•Vaccum, Laundry, Yard work, Cleaning the bathroom
• Work on IB part of video
• Tanaka's Essay
• Study
• One portfolio done? maybe

SUNDAY
• Work on Alma Mater
• Cheng's Essays
• Study
• Portfolio number 2 (different requirements)
• Film earth month :)

how immoral, unethical of me but oh well ;D LOL

it's been a while

i feel like a monster. i've said so much that i'm surprised i ain't struck by lighting yet.
i need a bar of soap in my mouth now. but then again it was the only way or relieving stress.
lord forgive me.

I've loved you so long

I've loved you so long is a french movie that is absolutely amazing. Kristin Scott Thomas performance, like you really felt the character's pain. This movie is about a lady who has been released from prison after 15 years and is taken in under the care of her younger sister whom she has not spoken to for 15 years. The movie reveals early on what crime she had committed. She had killed her 6 year old son, relieving the audience. The question still remains why? why? Then slowly but not as obvious like American movies. You think they would have thrown flashbacks to see the character so disturbed give us a clue. No instead they stay true and show emotion rather than exploit her.

I don't know not a movie critic but watch it amazing.

Obama?

Today he became the 44th president. I'm scared. Times are tough and I don't know it's just scary. It's gonna get tough, and that's what scares. Every decision is important. I seriously, I don't know if I even made the right decision, ugh. Takin' my mind off it. DVD night.

My sister.

So on average I blog every 3 days? Anyways.

My sister came home from my dad's place and I don't know why, I just hug her. I love my little sister. As annoying as she can be. I love her. Earlier this evening we started talking about our parents. She's a good girl. I feel bad cause she's always had been stuck in the middle. She takes care of my mom and I. I don't take notice at first. She wants to live with my dad, she figures if I'm leaving or go off to college might as well. We started talking about it. Then she tells me, about a current problem i'm having with my dad and stepmom "no matter what Ahndi I'll make sure aunty sally knows the truth (btw that's my stepmom) that you don't care about not getting anything from her for christmas, i'll tell her your not materilistic and your happy with what you got, cause that's how you are, sometimes i feel dumb i ask for a lot and you don't" i started to cry. even though she annoys me, i would knock the shit out of you, if you mess with her.

i think i handle myself pretty well today. today was a good day :)

•finished w/e i can do with winterball layout. got all the candid photos laid out. fixed the pica spacing. just need the court picture :) and then went to film with jeff esther and gemel was pretty fun :D in the libary i swear don't let esther do serious acting ;) she'll crack up and you will too
•third period oh my gosh i was saved. daniel and ivy never showed up. chee wasn't forced into sharing my homework, which one of my group members are printing ;D mhmmm hahahaha
•finish taking the roster photos, and vectored :D something i never did in a long time

afterschool, i was almost killed. by antonio and jon :) hahaha funny video. and erin was there in rams class, i'm a fat ass i ate some of her food, she offered. did little things here and there. then called gemel and all i heard was council cheering. like wth? they said there was no school. so hung up and checked the BOE website, chee no school. then phyll and rams was checking up on it while praising halleluia. chee no school. theres a god and bad side oh well nai nai time

The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, SOMETIMES POKING YOU WITH A SHARP STICK CALLED "TRUTH" --Dan Rather

it hurts damn it really does, but it's all good though. i was advised again, and truth hurts but i just really want to move on grow from everything in the past. get over with damn cry baby thing. been through a lot more in my life, i can get over it. well i needed this off my chest. peace. i think i'll go back to xanga till this trend dies. idk.

first day back.

i already hate it. first days well so called first day, i only had one true first day... with the get to know you here's my syllabus crap. cause all my classes are cont. from last term. already things are popping up, i don't want to deal with sick and tired, i had my fill. my weakness is caring too much. i went and watched slumdog millionaire and i loved the movie it was good, fricken all the way in kahala no matter. well i'm tired. peace.

first day of school. i'm still sore. oh well bring it on.

haven't blogged in while. hmm... let's keep this short. got school tomorrow.
let's see sat i did my essays and watched a movie. gran torino, go watch it it's good. a lot of old fans of clint eastwood. the man had always been badass. i was surprised to hear him sing during th credits. i couldn't stand sleeping in a empty house so i went over to my cousins house, she's a 5 min. walk away. stayed up all night, she helped me with my essays as well as writing stupid poems. went to bed at like 4 in the morning woke up at 6 a.m. had a diet coke and been going through the day with it. i had to finish my essays. ms. fia called and saved me. i finally got over my fear and opened those pdf files. monday which is today i hmm...
oh yeah went into school today. did slave work ;D. delivered desks and what not to teachers, chit chatted with former teachers. stuck decals on shizz and sweeped the floor. rams jeff and i went to the hoakalei golf course ceremony, filmed, i shot like 5 pics and let rams take over cause i ain't got no confidence. ate at ninja sushi shrimp udon. got back cleaned cleaned, actually was sweating. ew. and been catching up on hw. advance procrastinator ;)

i can't stand it anymore! my dad is giving me hell! I HATE HIM, i don't know why i choose to come here. one big mistake. scolding me telling me i going no where, looking at me no one would like me no one would be my friend. WELL YOU DON'T know me. You don't even bother asking what goes on in my fucking life. you don't even know what i've been through these couple months. these couple of fucking years. because "i don't have custody of you, why should i care" same ol' fucking answer everytime. i hate the life i live now and it's all thanks to you and your wife. and you scold me about kissing other peoples ass (WHICH I DON'T) and you want me to kiss hers. thank her for what? for splitting my family. and you choose her over us all the fricken time, and you tell me i do things for my friends and not you. how many times i get calls from kelly saying she's all alone at the park at night because you went to pick up your wife. how many times kelly had to beg you to come to her school to show you what shes done, oh it's your moms custody. man how i want to tell you off everytime i see kelly's face after you tell her that. kiss your wifes ass, fuck no. you make her hate me too so i can appreciate her wtf? low man low. tell her that i hate her cause she got me nothing for christmas. wtf?! wtf?! i don't give a damn how much presents i got under the tree. ignorant old man! shit dogging on the people i hang out with, oh come on it's a new century get over it! it's all about love in the bible, so why hate?! huh! all your friends are f.o.b.'s and they just as ignorant as you. all they care about is materlistic things and fucking how they appear to people, they discriminate. low lifes. when i need something for school you can't even pay half of it, even though it's all in the court documents. complain you got no money. yeah got no money so i can go to the philippines in the summer and then go to new york in the fall. get people renting out the rooms, oh by the way you and your sister sleep on the couch, and fucking extend your house. what the hell. my uncle had 3 kids and he loves them to death, he loves all of them anytime they needed them he was there. and you know what he's there for me too, all my aunties and uncles are. so go ahead and talk shit about my mom's side. you and your so called distant cousins. if wasn't for my fucking good hearted grandmother you'll still be in PI. yeah and speaking of grandmothers, i really wonder what grandma would say, the way you treat us. at least grandma can remember me! i went there. and you know what? go around and tell people i'm a disappointment, mock me in front of your friends. yep go around and tell them the story of how your son ran away from you too. show what kind of dad you've been. if you drove your only son away. ralph was smart fucking leaving you, so he would have to stop kissing ass to you and your wife. you fucked up on 2 out of 3 kids. you tell me what kind of father you been. and last of all you really are sick. fucking picking out your father daughter dance songs with kelly and making her call me about it. butterfly kiss my ass. you really don't know me, you walked out on me a long time ago. don't bother showing up to my graduation, you already told me all i did was disappoint you.

I'm feeling hesitant right now blogging about the situation from last night, because I've told myself I wouldn't cry anymore, but right now I hope I can forgive myself. Last night I had a breakdown once again. I cause a scene, fighting with my mother on the phone, I won't disclose the content of our argument. I started to breakdown right there in the classroom, crying on the floor. Jeffry there trying to get me to laugh, I love him for it. Then we went to film the EBNB mtg. which was canceled. So we cleaned up, loaded the car and Ramiscal took Jeff, Jon, and I to eat at Ninja Sushi. We ate talked stories. Afterward I didn't want to go home, so Rams dropped my off at my dad's house. The car ride, I spilled my guts out, I told him everything, I usually don't I don't like to talk about my life, I like keeping it in so no one would ask what's wrong. This time I spilled everything. I just went to bed that night, I didn't upload my 365 for yesterday till this morning.


My only relief.
Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one. -Stella Adler

Scars.

The feeling still lingers, an emotional scar. There are times in the day when everything comes flooding in all at once, it suffocates me. I can't breathe, I can't think, it's too much. Even during the break, I find myself confused in my own thoughts. I told myself to suck it up, not to cry anymore and I haven't so far. It's that pain, where everything in you wants to shut down, eyes begin to tear up, and in your mind your confused trying to create a list. Then your mind loses the battle to your tears and body.

I don't know what the hell I'm blogging about.

Questions.

When I was younger curious about a lot of things I asked questions, how are you suppose to know if you don't ask? and the response "stupid question every time how many times you ask these stupid fucking questions. how many times you ask that. your like that stupid kid in your class, got to be repeated to. stupid questions. why you even ask." that's why I get uncomfortable asking questions. Countless times I was shut down when I was little. I was afraid to ask the wrong one. That's why I don't like asking questions, I don't like being the representative. I need someone there as crutch.

blah >__< random.

A few years ago, there was the annual 50th state fair. There's a certain ride that spins you and keeps you up in the air and all that, the gut minor gut wrenching one. I've rode that ride before, and disliked it a lot. My cousins, two big boys were forcing me on it. Come on Ahndi ride it come on ride AHHH YOU CHICKEN WEAK SHIT yeah they kept dogging on me all night. I was fed up I had explained that I rode it before and didn't want to. So I kept on insisting they ride it, since they obviously want me to do it. My words didn't even reach there ears as they were dogging on me. I was so upset I screamed you say I can't ride it but you guys aren't even willing to go... ran away with eyes full of angry tears...

and that incident reminds me of some situations in my life right now. when people force me to go do it but they ain't doing it themselves. and all they do it cut me down. wth?

2

theme: religion
i'm bored going to take more pics. peace.

365 img

So the 365 challenge is a long story. Take a picture everyday and upload it onto flickr, facebook, and myspace with a watermark (a precaution). This challenge is for Jay. Aye. Dfizz Campable (sounds like campbell to me deary) and Awear (OH MY THAT'S ME!). 365 this is going to be interesting.

First blog of the New Year. Yes we made it my friend Happy New Year! Like a retreat I will expect a temparary change in everyone, that includes me, 2 weeks max. I Spent New Years Eve with the family well at least Half, 4/7 aunties and uncles. One had the in-laws, the other I have no idea, and the last one resides in the mainland. & I miss my bestfriend.

Random thought. GOSH IT'S SO HARD BEING ME, I hate when people say that, it so self centered.

Ok so I need to get school work done, next week already I need to go in to turn in work, and maybe some work already waiting for me? Nah probability no. BORED BORED BORED!
PEACE! THIS RANT IS OVER!