IGNORANT!

This morning while eating breakfast my father and I got into an argument. He was calling homosexuals abnormal, the idiot compared them to handicaps, and went on and on calling some of my friends and my sister friends abnormal. I started defending them, their like everyone else, they should have the right to love. Then he called me abnormal, calling me fat and ugly, telling me I am stupid. He told my sister not to act like me. I turned to my sister she was crying. Even my step mom had to slap him. Then he goes on saying I live with my mother that's why, she raised me and it's too late to fix me. He was turning red and yelling already, I had enough and called my mother to pick me up!

ERGHHHHH >:(

Good Night Sweet Dreams,

I ask him to say it, now he does it on his own. :) SWEET DREAMS INDEED!
We use to see each other like all the time, now there's this distance and space
and it seems to help. Man I wish I could pick a fight with him just for the heck of it,
the good and bad balances things out right. Oh well other than that it's all gee ;)

Teacher?

I felt like a teacher again -___- during 4th period. Told them to get to work, passed out assignments. Dealt with those *UGHHH type of kids. When things went wrong I handled it, and helped everyone with work. Then I heard someone say something about me, I turned and gave her a &WHAT?!

I never want to be one -___-

I'm totally disgusted with myself,

I heard myself today, I listened to myself. The sound, the tone, the words that came out of my mouth, man it made me feel so horrible. I don't know what has come over me, where the hell did this alter ego monster come from? Usually I don't use so much profanity, so much cut downs, not as loud. I'm nice, I hardly complained about anything, I had a can do attitude and when people ask for help, I did it without a word. Now for some people I grumble and do. This needs to stop, thank you for epiphany's!

Tomorrow a change needs to occur, and that's not the dreamer side of me talking.
Fo' sure Fo' sure :)

08/22/08

I CANNOT WAIT!
I LOVE MY UNCLE!

Daydream (1)

STATUS: ACROSS THE UNIVERSE SOUNDTRACK and a cool night :D
A series of pleasant thoughts that distract one's attention from the present.

I was daydreaming earlier about leaving this place. Leaving the island and going off to see New York or even Chicago. Experience a new "style" of life. Just to have a little adventure. Then come back to paradise.

Tonight the moon looks beautiful, on nights like this I rather lie down on the green green grass and look up at the sky. Let the worries melt away.

I've been watching a lot of romance movies over the weekend. I just finished watching Pride and Prejudice and the Notebook. I think those movies are doing some psych thing on me. After each movie I just picked up the phone and called Gemel.

Well my ankle is sore. I hurt my ankle, really bad at adopt-a-block.
I like pot pie and really am craving it right now.

Jokes? Confidence?

Like I said yesterday at the BBQ, we were cracking jokes. A lot of them were targeted towards me. So much at one time, I couldn't take it. I ran outside and started to cry. Weak? Can not handle? No, I'm not I can take it. I hear those cut downs everyday, from friends or family. I just get to this point, like a cup. Jokes fill me up so much till I overflow, then I empty out and start all over. The only time it kills me, is when I help a person be very nice and they still cut me down constantly, don't even give me the ounce of respect. The only time. Maybe I should have stood up for myself, that would have ruined the flow. Letting them do it makes me a pushover.

So "dad" constantly tells me to build my confidence. I need to start going with my instinct and suffer the consequences, whether it's good or bad. Stop questioning my self, if I'm wrong I'm wrong. It's not going to kill me. When I do mess up, don't cry. I can do it I can do it. I know how to do it, I know I will try not to mess up, Be the best, so why worry?! I need to stand up for myself. Stop over analyzing.

Funny thing, yesterday Ms. Wong was helping Rams out by typing out this letter for him. It was about the internship, and us interns to help get us 10,000 for STN. So she wrote that I needed to work on my confidence. I thought the whole time that Ramiscal told her to write that. Later on I found out he did not tell her to write it, she really wrote it.


STATUS: Watching WONG FU videos on youtube, recommended to all aspiring film makers


**EARLIER I HAD "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BUILD MY CONFIDENCE" right after "so dad constantly tells me to build my confidence" just needed a little reflection I guess.

FAMILY?

After yesterday, it really is starting to feel like family. I never thought one I would go grocery shopping with my teachers and feel at home at school. I love my second family :) <3 style="font-weight: bold;">FAMILY (n):
a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together.

a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household.



Yesterday the BBQ really did make up for that Welcome Back let down. Like I mentioned I went grocery shopping with my teachers, $101! When the BBQ officially started, there was music from Smooth Groove outside. Jokes and stupid stories. Mama Q, Rams, Dr. Phil, Kelly, Jesse, Jeffry, Sean, Katarina, Daniel, Priscilla, Maria ( I just meet her) and Smooth Groove. It was all good.

Then Neighborhood board. Daniel, Jeffry, Cilla, Sean, and Rams. Well I guess some of us was bored, and some of us really interested into what they were saying. It was weird to see so much senior citizens so active. That night, Rams gave us $20 dollars for some drinks, Sean and I told him we'll go and get some hookers. We drove off to 7-11 with Cilla, next thing you know we found one at 7-11. It was a pretty she-man. It had boobs, but a voice that sounded like a combination of Bigego and Antonio. It was wearing a super short skirt and you could see it's he/she V cut. Gross. When we got back we showed everyone the picture of the she he. Then Rams was showing off his I-PHONE, "documenting" more like taking black mail pictures. They all are so mean to me, so like I told them "Oh my god this is going to be the first time in years I never call Gemel." Rams handed me his I-PHONE and let me call. Haha. They finished up by 10:45 and we had to put everything away in the room. The school was super scary looking at night.



**PIC ABOVE missing: Sean S. Esther D. Priscilla L. Jeffry C.

Welcome Back?

I am super bummed today.
The Welcome Back assembly everyone stressed on never happened.
Why? Because a bunch of kids, had to fight. RIDICULOUS! Seriously, what the fuck does a couple of punches prove? I mean recently on the news, 3 men were convicted for beating a man up and leaving him to die in the pool of his own blood. They fight thinking their is no consequences. The by standers are just as bad! Why let them continue, does no one have the courage to stop the fight. The only people who stop the fight is the adults, so are we just a bunch of immature idiots?! Are we really just chicken, huh?! Yes I witnessed a fight, that I regret I never stopped, and Yes! I have stopped a fight before it escalated to the next level!

ANYWAYS, I'm in school right now, helping Ms. Wong type up a letter for STN. I'm definitely looking forward to today's BBQ. I'm not in a happy mood, kind of depressed right now. My mind is all jumbled up. Not a great feeling.

THE JOKE IS ON ME... everytime -___-

Today I don't know I felt like I was slacking. First of all I really haven't done a video for SM and Rams reminded that Sean them did 3. I was bummed and super disappointed in myself, like I'm a letdown (not that harsh) I don't know, but what I do know is it's not the greatest feeling. Then I went to 2nd period, that round table was talking and I heard my name once or twice a big laugh, then a "you guys are so mean" "sorry ahndi we love you". I don't know if that cuts it anymore. On top of that I was scrambling to finish my homework, procrastination? UGHH. Then third, my bad mouth got me into trouble. Fourth period dogged on again. At least did the video. After school screening, Empress was furious, and SA got on my nerves. Ride home he was tired, and upset over something.

Yeah I let people throw some jokes, but I get my "had it up to here" Not that I get mad, I just get emotional and I vent it out.

Hmph :(
I'm noticing it now, I feel like a complete and total bitch. I do it for fun, I built up this sassy snappy attitude for a couple of laughs, and now I am it.
I feel like a joke, a let down.


:(

Mean?

Last night I was talking to Gemel, and I called him bitch (jokingly). Then he told me
"Geez Ahndi Your More Meaner This Year"
I was flabbergasted (haha big word). Did I become more mean?
Yeah sure, I got my opinions.
I do use profanity.
I talk a little to loud and too much.
I think I did.

Hmmmph :(
I need an attitude makeover.

furious,

UPDATE!
Could I be crazy enough not to quit?

I'm seriously furious right now. First of all I clearly stated I would help that committee out. That I will give them the IDEA and they needed to write the script. Well I gave them the idea and left. I come back and all of the sudden I'm asked to write it. I ask why me? I came up with the idea! UGH! So I write it and next thing you know they ALTER it and only told me now!

*UGHHHHH!

Dalai Lama,

Everyday, think as you wake up,
today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it.
I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others,
I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.
-Dalai Lama

Balancing Act,

The tip to balancing, concentrate on each object one at a time. When losing it, remember it's o.k. to fall, have a set back remember do not cry over spilled milk. And know when too much is too much (make sense?)

Yep, this balance between SABER MEDIA, '09 Council, and School is working fine so far, just afraid when homecoming comes around. I really am considering quiting. Council is annoying, it takes up too much time. It's draining. Under appreciated. Worst of all...

We were broken up into committees for Welcome Back assembly in school. I clearly stated that I did not want to do the script! I did not want to write it. I will HELP give them an IDEA! But NO now I need to do it. Every time someone can't do something it falls on Jeffry and I. We ask them for a simple task, some can't do it and we take the fall for it. We take the fall every single time!

academy of art :) I'm coming for ya.

Lesson From Psychology,

Today Mr. Cheng showed the class an interesting video on the skepticism surrounding psychics. So the video made an interesting point on how we think, like how our teacher Mr. Cheng has selective hearing our brains are selective. Us being human are so insecure so afraid of "what comes next" the future. We take comfort in false promises. False Promises: Horoscopes, Palm Reading, etc. Our minds want to think, want to believe whatever will satisfy that feeling of not knowing.

More on the video, so like it showed this preacher who claimed to heal, and he would put on a whole show. It showed him smack this one lady in the head, saying she's healed. Also take this old lady off her walker and claim she was healed. I couldn't help it I was laughing my ass off (LMFAO!). In my head I was like someone should press charges on him. Everyone thought I was mean till they found out the man was a phony. The man ended up filing bankruptcy, karma?

New Lesson:
The reason people find it so hard to be happy
is that they always see the past better than it was,
the present worse than it is,
and the future less resolved than it will be.

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane...

Heh, thought that would be a catchy title for this (Pretty lame oh well).
Yesterday afternoon, Daniel and I went to the airport to see Evelyn off. Sherwin, Louie, and Jumar was there as well. Pleasant good bye, with gifts, a jam session, pictures, and a lovely prayer that ended in tears.

I started to think about it... next year that maybe me, leaving on a jet plane. I know where I want to go, my heart been set for that school since I was eight. Seriously, no joke. The thought gave me goosebumps. The count down had begun a long time ago, it's nearing the end and start of something new. (make sense?)